WHILE THE IRON IS HOT

Adieu

2006-11-13T16:39:00.000+08:00

Goodbye, Blogger Beta. It was nice meeting you, but unfortunately, we are not compatible and things will never work out between us.

I made the mistake of switching to you from your old version, thinking that it would be easier and smoother sailing. But I was wrong. You would not accept my old template, for one thing, and it was difficult customizing you according to my specs.

As such, I have mended my ways with Blogger Alpha, put up a new blog there and brought my last Blogger template back there. We are currently on the honeymoon stage and will be resuming our aborted partnership come January 2007.

Do not worry about my current entries though, and all the other entries I once placed here. They are all safe and sound in my Livejournal.

Parting is indeed such sweet sorrow, my friend. But we had a good eighteen months together, and that is what matters.

Forced Change of Domain

2006-10-17T12:36:00.000+08:00

As you can obviously, this page is screwed big time. Blogger's beta version just *****; I did not even get to keep my last template here (which is why it looks like this). All my customizations are gone too, and I am very disappointed.

Because of this, I will be posting instead at http://arybba.livejournal.com for the time being. Or maybe forever. I am even moving my old posts from here and my first blog to the LJ page. Hassle .... *groans and grunts*

Bah. Boo. Lech.

So folks, do change your links to my blog if you are still interested. Gracias.

PS. I am so sad not to post here. But it is just too much hassle to adjust the site HTML to my specific caprices.

Still Alive

2006-10-16T11:55:00.000+08:00

Yes, I am thriving, suriving, breathing. It has been a LONG time since I last blogged.

There has not been enough good reason to log in and type away here. Most Pinoy bloggers have ranted and rambled on mighty Milenyo and that great loss to UST in the recent UAAP men's basketball finals that reportedly made La Sallites woop up a frenzy in glee on campus, so I will not write about that anymore.

(Note: I cannot wait for DLSU to get back in the UAAP next year so that we can kick those Archers' asses into total oblivion and shame. Ang yayabang ng mga ____.)

Where was I? Oh yeah, as to why I have not blogged. Frankly, it has been really lousy for me.

Work is such a bitch (I am not complaining about the load, but I hate the way things are being run these days).

Because of Milenyo when e-mail and telephones were inaccessible, I missed the chance for a job interview at a leading magazine publishing company and my plane booking for Bacolod to attend a good friend's church wedding was unceremoniously dropped like a hot potato (the blasted airline company did not even consider the fact that communication lines were down due to Milenyo, that I never received any notification that I had to purchase my ticket on the day the typhoon struck, and would not reconsider my appeal to regain my booking).

My mom is looking for a new place so that she can move out of the family abode (I always wondered why she did not leave this ******* jerk-who-happens-to-be-my-father when we were younger; it would have saved us all from the underlying misery and discord). I love where we are living now, but I am not staying there without Mama.

I cannot wait for January next year so that the period of tense waiting for the results of my second FSO exam will be over. I am not really worried that I might fail and take it again next year, but I just want to know how I did so that I can move on to other opportunities if I do not do well as expected of me. However, I really want to get the post and leave my current agency so that I can stay in my current career yet pursue a different scope of responsibility. I need a good CHALLENGE, baby!

So obviously, there has not been much good events for me these days. Nothing I can write about in great detail for your consumption. Nothing to really smile about (especially when you realize that the Christmas holidays are fast approaching but you barely have enough moolah to buy gifts for the ones who matter most. Another reason why I want to transfer departments within this bureaucracy.)

P**a, am rambling. Not making any sense. But at least, still alive.

Surveys Can Be Quite Addicting

2006-09-25T11:40:00.000+08:00

A to Z Survey

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

A - Available

nope!

B - Best Friend

Bunny, Ann, Marni, Apple, Nikki

C - Crush

Luv, of course!

D - Dad's Name

Abraham

E - Easiest Person To Talk To

Apple

F - Favorite Band

Beatles

G - Gummy Bears Or Worms

Bears

H - Hometown

Manila

I - Instrument

my voicebox, want to learn to play the drums

J - Job

bureaucratic slave

K - Kids

none

L - Longest Car Ride

Manila to Baguio

M - Milk Flavor

chocolate soy

N - Number Of Siblings

O - One Wish

to have everything I desire

P - Phobias

bankruptcy, growing old alone

Q - Favorite Quote

Carpe Diem!

R - Reason To Smile

love, Kirsten, something going the way I want it to

S - Song You Last Heard

some jazz ditty on my way to work

T - Time You Woke Up

6:30 am

U - Unknown Fact About Me

let it remain as such :)

V - Vegetable

sweet corn

W - Worst Habits

nailbiting, smoking, cussing

X - X-Rays You've Had

1 (left ankle)

Y - Your Favorite Food

chocolate, pasta, sweet corn, shrimp

Z - Zodiac Sign

Virgo

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

More surveys at my LJ (you have to be my friend there to see them though).

By the way, we won by one point in the very last second of Game 1 for the championship. One more win and we are KING once again. Ahhh .... such sweet bliss. Kramer rocked my socks!

GO ATENEO!!!

Really Crazy

2006-09-21T17:19:00.000+08:00

This kept me in stitches. Watch it and laugh along.

I have to hand it to these school girls though. They were actually good.

20 Things

2006-09-15T14:01:00.000+08:00

Another meme from Via.

1. How often do you blog? At least once a week.

2. Online Alias: arybba

3. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? Maybe once or twice.

4. What do you do most often when you are bored? Listen to music, read books, smoke, play Solitaire on my cellphone, eat, sleep

5. When bathing, which do you wash first? My hair

6. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? 36 hours, yes. Longer than that and I might as well be dead.

7. What color looks best on you? I can wear any color. But neons are so not me.

8. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink? Shiraz red wine. Vodka anything.

9. Do you believe in heaven and hell as a real place that each of us will go to after death? Yes.

10. Do you find that you have more online friends than offline friends? Fortunately, no.

11. What was your favorite subject in school? English, Sociology, The Great Books

12. Are you a perfectionist? I try to be, but not too much.

13. Do you spend more than you can afford? Unfortunately, it can get out of control at times.

14. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before? Yes. *weeps*

15. Do you consider yourself creative? I could try to be more.

16. Do you give yourself the credit you deserve? Sometimes. (I have to, because I do not get much at work! Grrr!)

17. Do you donate time or money to charities? Let us leave this unanswered, shall we? :)

18. Have you recently done something that you’ve criticized others for doing? Yes, and it bothers me.

19. What’s on your mind? Right now? The weekend is here and it is a payday! ;)

20. Say one nice thing about the person who tagged you and the five people that you are going to tag.

The "tagger": Via was my ever-patient and funny high school carpoolmate who keeps in touch with her creative side and makes amazing bags (I wonder when I will get one, hehe).

Tagged:

Ganns is funny, witty, a great musician and a true man of The Word.

Candice is a talented and intelligent wordsmith slash hot mama who can also give our PMAP models a run for their money (modeling base: Singapore *wink*).

Jehan has become the quintessential party mover and shaker without sacrificing her intellect and ingenuity.

Carlyn is a songbird whose love for God matches her proximity to crazy adventures and escapades anywhere with a mic and music at hand.

Fire is a jack of all trades and loyal to her Bunny and Chorale.

I've Been Quiet

2006-09-15T12:54:00.000+08:00

No thanks to our DSL line which was only restored late yesterday, I have been unable to blog.

Come to think of it, there has not been much to write about. Until yesterday when my fingers were itching to form this entry but PLDT would not allow me to do so. All because it rained early this week and apparently telephone circuits in the Malate are ancient. Boo.

*****

Anyway, first things first. I was down with fever and diarrhea last weekend, which was a real pain on the goddarn arse (literally and figuratively). Had to skip the first work day of the week. Now I am okay. Right now until the end of this year (at least), bawal magsakit, as those Clusivol ads say.

Yet despite this intestinal havoc, I still look plump, fat if you put it bluntly. I know that I wrote in a previous entry that I am happy with how I look. But after realizing that I can barely fit into most of my good clothes, I now need to lose weight. Fast. Seriously considering to take those diet pills my sister took. She lost so much weight and is now much slimmer than she was when she was still single.

*****

A friend from high school never fails to unwittingly put some sense into my sullied mindset. In a positive manner, that is.

This girl never fails to send me a birthday or Christmas greeting by old-fashioned post. I got my umpteenth card from her last week; a hand-made one with a pretty picture of a California coastline (she has been there since 1992). I was struck by her message in it though. Part of it read:

... You are at a momentous point in your life. Have you accomplished all you've set out to do for this time? Are you who you want to be? Are you who God wants you to be?

Right now, my answers to these questions would be (in order of placement):

1. Not yet, for I know I still have a long way to go and I have yet to discern if I will actually achieve this goal I have been working on for the past few months;

2. I am happy with how I am. But I will feel more complete if I actually achieve the goal I was referring to earlier; and

3. I am not perfect, and I have made serious mistakes in the past that I cannot correct or erase as I cannot go back in time. But I am working on becoming a better person.

Maybe my words here seem simple. But I actually have issues that I keep to myself and rarely discuss with others, even with Mama or Luv. These are my burden, and I refuse to pass on this load to them or anyone else.

But yes, I am still hanging on. There is still a lot of love going around in my life. And no, I do not have suicidal tendencies, thank you very much.

I should respond to my California babe friend soon. By old-fashioned post if necessary.

It's Baby Holmes-Cruise's Turn

2006-09-07T13:42:00.000+08:00

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has some serious competition, indeed.

I doubt that Daddy Tom will allow a wax replica of his first-born though.

Many Thanks (Edit)

2006-09-01T14:38:00.001+08:00

A BIG and heartfelt shout-out of gratitude to the following people for greeting me on my life milestone three days ago:

Mama, Papa, Ate Kelly, Kuya Mike, Gino, my best cousin Bunny, my arithmetic and music-loving nephew Miguel, and my niece and angel Kirsten for a wonderful Fish and Co. dinner, lots of chocolate cake, thought provoking greeting cards, new shoes and capri pants, a new mobile phone on the way (keeping my fingers crossed on this, though I really prefer cash, LOL) and reminding me that blood is indeed thicker than water;

Bing through my LJ;

Candice through YM;

Chippy, Jaye, Joanne and Mommy Marni for their testimonials and messages left in my Friendster page;

Kislev with her personalized e-mail message and birthday card sent by post (!);

Apple, Chachi, Chuchay, Debbie, Gail and my longstanding roommate Nikki for proving that our sisterhood goes beyond the four corners of our college dorm;

Joel C., Lester, Lianne, Verbo and (first office boss) Weena for the well wishes by SMS;

Carlyn, Fats and Fire for a wonderful night out in Makati last weekend;

The ex-/current J-Team (Boss Joey, Ricky, Ate Tin, Sir Tonie, Kuya Ginio, Alex, Arjay, "Patricia" Javier, Jhun, Marco, Boyet and AJ); my last department (Tita Ofel, Kuring, Manel, Nancy S., Ate Let), people from my first department (Zeny, Dave, Tita Cora and Kumpareng Nic), Da Boys (Shiloh, Arnold C., Deo), Sr. EA slash Kumpareng Joy and my office "sisters" Sharon, Fides, Ethel, Nimpa and Kumareng Liane for greetings, hugs, besos and great company over beer (which I did NOT take, much to their chagrin).

And of course, to The One who wants me to say the specific gift I want to receive from him so that he can buy it for me (but I told him to surprise me instead) and give it to me when we finally meet up tomorrow: thank you for bearing with me, for everything you have done for me, and for loving me as much as I love you.

Normalcy and 29

2006-08-28T10:17:00.000+08:00

I am back to normal routine after three days of mind-altering essay-type exams. Do not ask me how it went; I do not even relish recounting the ordeal anymore. After being asked all these questions about the exams, all I want to do is get them off my mind. Besides, the people who matter have inquired about it, so I shall leave it at that.

As a result of the past week, I experienced the worst form of fatigue ever, a kind much worse than my 36-hour straight day to finish my college thesis draft. I am also currently shunning newspapers and magazines of that sort. I felt as if I studied for an entire four-year course or prepared for the Bar. Talk about brain drain.

Anyway, time to settle in office work again. At least I had a much-needed change in scenery, right?

And yes, best of luck to me, Jo and Tammy (the Tres Marias from AdMU who took last week's exams together). See you in the finals? :)

*****

Thank you Carlyn, Fats, Fire and Lianne for kicking off my birthday celebration last Saturday (even if it was I who begged that we meet up) with Cafe Bola, Red Box (woohoo!!!) and Pearl Drive. I had so much fun. After much-desired videoke, are we really ballroom dancing next?

*****

I miss him terribly. I am celebrating my 29th birthday sans The One who keeps me going like an Energizing Bunny. Boo. Looking forward to a weekend stay at Shangri-la EDSA with family though. Ahh ... nice soft bed with high thread count linens and fab buffet breakfast, here I come!

Still, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to moi tomorrow! (Hint, hint! Hahaha!!!)

Study Break No. 4

2006-08-15T12:04:00.000+08:00

After breaking under pressure last week (read: losing my temper at work over a trivial matter), I decided to take it easy and relax ... seven days before the exams. I am still reviewing though. More like refreshers for current national and overseas events, to be exact. Reading TIME and Newsweek are more of a breeze than a chore. Watching the news is a habit that is difficult to break. So, all is well and good on this part.

I did plan to look over History and International Law for a last time, but I decided not to. English is more or less down pat (like I do not use it every day). Filipino is Filipino. My only problem now is getting my Spanish verb tenses right.

And I have exactly seven days to go. Make it six days as I do not plan to study any further on the day before the "event". I will simply relax and regain focus.

Sigh. It sounds easy, no (take note, the operative word here is SOUNDS)?

*****

Today is Assumption Day. It has also been fourteen years since I last attended the vigil and morning mass for this holy feast day of the Virgin Mary's journey into Heaven.

Lucky are the young ladies in San Lorenzo and Antipolo who do not have class today.

Nevertheless ... happy Assumption Day, especially to my fellow Old Girls!

*****

Last Saturday, this blog turned two years old.

Yes, as Ganns puts it, it has been that long since I started this site wearing my heart on my sleeve while purging, babbling, reflecting, ranting and raving about my world.

And it seems that I will continue blogging, as long as the desire to do so is there.

Now I need to look for a holiday template which this site will use for the merry month of December (yes, I am planning this early). Any suggestions?

Study Break No. 3: Meme From Fire

2006-08-05T15:12:00.000+08:00

1. Grab the nearest book.

Fine, as I am at work too (on a frigging Saturday), I have the Modern Olympic Games Museum book in my hands.

2. Open the book to page 123.

O-kay ...

3. Find the fifth sentence.

This was a prominent result for Greece, reaped after 44 years of silence (go figure!).

4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.

In the same event, Bob - the "flying preacher" - Richards was the champion, clearing 4.56m, followed by his countryman Bob Gutowski, with his 4.53m, in the second.

As the curtain was brought down on the Games, several athletes had already returned home. Those left formed joint ranks and all together paraded in the stadium, holding their national flags.

5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

I just did! I do not cheat for these things.

6. Tag three people.

To humor my currently saturated-by-International Law brain and as I know they are voracious readers for various reasons or by force (hah!), I tag Ganns, Via and Jehan.

Making Up For Lost Time

2006-07-31T13:10:00.000+08:00

I regret joining the AC Chorale only in my junior year.

My first two years of high school were centered on making sure to pass all my subjects and not take summer classes. Transportation was also a minor problem, especially since I was living down south then. I mustered the courage to audition after seeing them win the Ateneo Songfest and stage a kick-ass concert during sophomore year. Two of my closest friends in high school were part of it since freshman year, and three of us in the barkada auditioned two years after (two of us eventually got in).

Audition day was funny as I was a bundle of nerves: no one in campus had heard me sing then. I still remember some batch mates (then Chorale members) who had this skeptical look on their faces when I stood in front to sing. And I still remember their shocked expressions when I finished my audition piece. The rest is history, and most of them still remember my audition until now.

For two years, I had fun singing and trouble balancing my academics (Math and Science to be exact) so that I would be allowed to join the Songfest San Lo group (we merged with Assumption Antipolo’s glee club then) and the concert. Most current members would cringe at vocalization drills and on-the-spot song checks to see if they already knew the assigned piece. During my time (yes, it has been that long since I graduated from high school), we dreaded probation due to low grades. Learning songs were not much of a hassle. I did not really know how to read notes (and I still have some difficulty with this), but once I heard the first note of any Chorale song, I knew my part and breezed through it.

I credit my Chorale residency for making me work for better grades in the last two years of high school to be able to get into the college I wanted to be in. It taught me discipline, resiliency, team spirit and camaraderie. It strengthened bonds with friends who are presently still around. It made me braver to share my gift of song with others. In a nutshell, Chorale made me a more selfless person.

Unfortunately, being a Chorale girl took a back seat during college. I had only visited them once, during a morning time practice for Tina’s wedding. I was not even able to see Tina (our moderator slash Master DJ) say “I do” to her now husband of ten years. I got so immersed in college life that I momentarily forgot Chorale. I would hear news about the group and Tina, but that was it.

Eight years after graduating from high school, I started visiting Chorale again. Tina was the only familiar face then, and the girls were so much younger. I came back partly because Lara was directing their concert and she needed moral support. Others who I was in the group with during high school were also around. Eventually, I was helping the girls out, and I loved every minute of it.

Two days ago, a few of us gathered in San Lo for the 20th Anniversary meeting (a first of many, I reckon). I was happy and felt that I was my old self again. It felt strange and nostalgic at once to sing our old pieces, considering that it has been thirteen years since I last had regular Saturday practice. And I am amazed that we still sound good.

It was never too late to come home, after all. I am glad I did. And I will continue to do so.

Study Break No. 2

2006-07-28T11:26:00.000+08:00

I am suuupppeeerrr lazy to study this morning.

My mood was actually dampened this morning as the MRT and LRT lines were undergoing through some technical trouble (yet again). Had to take a cab to work, ended up an hour late. Boo.

When I got into the office, fellow employees were logging in attendance outside our building due to a fire that damaged an office at the second floor. Only staff of a few offices (including mine) were allowed to enter the building. The entire second floor was sogged down with water, dark and dirty. We are lucky that the fire started when there were still people at work or the buidling would have been razed to the ground. I knew about it last night when my boss texted me that the smell of burning I picked up some minutes before I left work last night was actually the fire itself, not some still-lit cigarette butt as I then thought. Thank God it did not cause any further damage or unwarranted loss of lives.

At the start of this week, I watched the President render her 2006 SONA which (in my honest opinion) will take much willpower from politicians to curb their self-enriching tendencies (you know what I mean) and make the Superregions Program work. I know that a lot of people my age hate her to bits, but she has less than four years to go, so we might as well give her a last chance to get the country going. And since she is technically my real boss, I say that we should all just be the law-abiding and cooperative citizens we should be and contribute in our own little way to make the Philippines a little bit better.

Capping that night off with the Miss Universe primetime telecast, I realized that the pageant is going downhill. I hated the composition of judges, the showbiz surrounding it and the way it was staged. I always liked the competitions two decades ago, when scores were shown onscreen and judging seemed fair enough.

Or maybe I am just sourgraping because my personal bet this year finished second.

Study Break No. 1

2006-07-20T11:52:00.000+08:00

I am an Atenean because I was able to ...

eat at Manang’s ... learn the alma mater song ... sleep on a bench ... be a TNT! ... visit the Art Gallery ... know at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name ... get a Jesuit for a teacher ... have gotten an F in something ... watch a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game ... watch a T.A. play ...

eat in Full House, Martha’s Kitchen, and Ken Afford ... sleep in the lib ... go to the chapel ... have gotten a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers in the middle of the quad ... sign up for those institutional (i.e. difficult but brilliant) teachers ... go to CERSA night ... have tried siomai rice ... learn how to smoke ... fall in love ... actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib ...

play cards during your free time ... learn to stay awake for more than 24 hours straight ... go to your immersion ... eat Food for After Thought sandwiches ... take time to read the vandalism in the CR doors ... watch “Minsan Lang Sila Bata” and “Macho Dancer” for class ... do a last minute paper ... have spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures ... get exempted from final exams ... attend a college mass ...

promise to quit smoking ... know where the best restrooms are on campus ... join an org ... allow yourself to make mistakes ... take summer classes ... admire the Sacred Heart statue in the evening ... make a video for a project ... come to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes ... participate in school activities ... ride a tricycle on campus ...

find a tambayan ... admire the Marikina Valley at night ... go drinking along Katipunan ... had the worst lottery schedule for reg ... admire the trees on campus ... eat in the ISO canteen ... be active in your org ... learn how to cram ... sell tickets (or watch) an org-sponsored movie premiere ... have accidentally seen a make-out session ...

check out the Meron Lagoon and Lambingan Bridge ... learn how to work with groupmates from hell ... develop a love for sisig ... learn how to pronounce “AEGIS” properly ... have reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function ... have lost a perfectly functioning umbrella ... have used consultation hours properly ... looked forward to lab breakage refund, in case you didn’t break any equipment ... and visit the Guidance Office.

Complete meme can be found here (italicized comments enclosed in parentheses and superstrikes are personal "touches").

A Step Closer

2006-07-15T17:34:00.000+08:00

Looks like Sonni, Jo and I will be meeting up again a little over five weeks from now.

I am in a state of disbelief, but nevertheless happy.

And here I go hitting the books once again (argh!).

Speaking of which, Apple will be helping me look for review material after we watch the UAAP basketball game between UP and AdMU tomorrow afternoon (muchas gracias, amiga!). It will be quite an expensive task. I actually started today by buying updated Philippine history and Philippine politics-governance-Constitution books, plus The Elements of Style (English refresher; the next exam will have essay writing parts), all which cost about Php700.00. Beginning tomorrow, I have to look for this particular World History book that Apple says has notes on how specific instances affected future world events and international/diplomatic relations, which I badly need for my review. I also need a book on International Law which lists all relevant treaties, international conventions and other UN-related information. And of course, es necessito que estudiar español porque es selecto para el examinacion.

Oh, I must not also forget to religiously read the daily news and remember basic Philippine factoids. And set aside money for the exam fee, too.

Busy, busy, busy nights are on my way once again. I have to take this really seriously now.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you to everyone who have been praying for me and know that I want this so bad.

One down, two to go. Kaya ko ito, basta nandiyan kayo.

Commuting Through Life

2006-07-11T13:24:00.000+08:00

The weather this past week has been unpredictable and erratic. It gets too warm and humid or too cold and rainy, and I have been getting these on-and-off feverish spells that are driving me crazy. While I like it when it is cool and breezy, I wish it would cease raining whenever I commute. The worst happening to me these days is getting caught in traffic during a downpour. And yes, unfortunately, LRT and MRT operations may screw up in the middle of the rain when the fates decide on it.

Commuting via public transportation is not a real problem on mornings, but on late afternoons and early evenings. I used to hitch rides home with my boss, but some unwarranted circumstances now prohibit me from doing such. I do miss not having to worry about transport fare and getting stranded due to the lack of available cabs and trains every afternoon. What I do not miss about this, on the other hand, is his temper poised to flare up everytime EDSA's stretch from Buendia to Boni Avenue is a gridlock. Good thing he does not read this or I will be dead meat (then again, he knows that I blog, and maybe he has visited this page without me knowing it. Ulp. Eeek.).

Anyway, commuting has been my way of life since my first job. It may be stressful and an occasional trigger of foul moods (once you encounter inconsiderate fellow commuters who hog all the space in the train or try to squeeze themselves inside when you barely have breathing space, and not a few drivers who act like they own the roads, then you will understand). But on good days, it gets me reacquainted with the city, brings me to places frequently visited and newly explored, lets me encounter people from all walks of life; and (albeit sadly), reminds me of the reality that we are at difficult times in this country. As years of commuting pass, I realize that the gap between the rich and poor has grown wider, and it seems as if there is no way to stop poverty at present.

I may whine and rant all I want about taking the LRT and MRT regularly. But I also realize that I should be thankful of what I have and where I am safely enconscenced at the end of the day with the ones who matter to me the most, be it rain or shine.

Heartbroken (edit)

2006-07-03T09:35:00.000+08:00

The shocker of shockers: Team Brazil is eliminated, now unable to defend their 2002 World Cup title.

The South American powerhouses do not deserve the boot. They were doing so well, practically beating past opponents with a flick of a finger. Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Kaka and comrades were exhibiting football form at its finest.

Then by some bitter twist of luck, they bow to France in defeat. The ball is indeed round, after all.

Seeing all my World Cup bets (Argentina and England were the others) out of competition, I can only heave a sigh of forlorn regret and sadness. Nevertheless, it has been a joy keeping tabs on this year's tournament, and I hope that in 2010, television feeds will be made available to every Filipino (without having to subscribe to pay-per-view and going to all these so-called chichi places to catch the game telecasts) so that more of us will appreciate the sport and forget about basketball which, in my opinion, does not provide any opportunity for Filipino athletes to progress.

For me, it will always be Brazil. But this year, I may have to be content with some other team as World Cup kings.

Edit 2: OMFG. Italy WON the World Cup. Wheeeee!!!

Some Nostalgia :))

2006-06-27T13:21:00.000+08:00

Two days back, a very thoughtful friend sent me a link to YouTube, a video hosting site that archives members' files from recent memory. I was very surprised to see that the sent link turned out to be that of my favorite pre- and early teen years male vocal group.

Most of my high school friends certainly remember my borderline obsession for the group's youngest and only blue-eyed member (hehehe).

As this is my blog and I have absolute freedom to post what I want here, allow me to indulge you with choice music videos of the Fab Five from Beantown (Boston, Massachusetts) that paved the way for the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync years later. Happy viewing, and do not say that I did not, uhm, warn you.

Let Me Try ...

2006-06-23T13:21:00.000+08:00

From muy bellissima sisters Via and Frannie:

Comment here and...

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. If I do this, you must post this in your journal.

Makati Sights

2006-06-19T09:49:00.000+08:00

Last June 9th was Football Night at the Renaissance Makati City (formerly New World) Hotel. Boss Joey, Sir Manny, Ma'am Merly, Pareng Joy, Kitch, Sir and Señora Beech and I partook a very late dinner of potato and leek cream soup, smoked salmon rolls with arugula salad, lamb with peppercorn rosemary sauce (I still prefer this with mint jelly) and creamy and moist chocolate cake. We did not stay long enough for beef goulash served during the first World Cup 2006 game's live telecast (Germany beat Costa Rica 4-2). Personally, I am rooting for Brazil's sixth championship title.

After swooning over their gelato, Apple, Chachi and I went to Amici di Don Bosco (Arnaiz cor. Chino Roces Avenue) for a heavy lunch last Saturday. We ordered lasagna al forno, lasagna con pomodoro e spinachi and fusili con sausage e pomodoro (sure hope I got these right). We liked the fusili best.

Aside from pasta, we also got a 12" parmaggio pizza (tomato, mozzarella, blue cheese, oregano and basil - not sure if I got its Italian name correct) which was drizzled with enough olive oil for its sumptuous flavor. Chachi and I capped the meal off with chocolate gelato (for her) and a scoop each of rhum and nuts and coffee (for me). Bliss.

After a heavy meal and taste testing Starbucks' new Java Frappuccino (which replaced the Rhumba variant), we went strolling around Walter Mart along Chino Roces Avenue. Chachi wanted to see some dogs at Bio Research; I ended up looking at koi. This particular kind costs Php24,000.00 (cheaper fry cost at least Php2,000.00). These fish actually outlive their human caretakers - they can survive for about two centuries.

Yesterday was Kirsten's sixth birthday. The family (minus Kelly as my nephew had fever) had a simultaneous Father's Day lunch at Teriyaki Boy Glorietta. This chocolate cake meanwhile was a complimentary gift from Hotel Intercontinental Manila where the birthday girl, her grandmother and her yaya are staying until today. The cake was fabulous!

As I have not really strolled around Ayala Center for ages, Mama brought me to SM Makati. I must say that its refurbished interiors look better than Megamall's. It is pretty confusing to go around here though; shops are not grouped together and you would have to walk back and forth to get to your choice stalls. Next planned stop: SM's Mall of Asia.

Career Musings

2006-06-14T16:13:00.000+08:00

Had an interesting meeting with Candice, Nines and Ganns (whose gracious wife Cathy dropped by) last night about the two ladies' current business venture. Part of it seemed like an on-the-spot job interview (Nines, you kinda really scared me there), which made me mentally kick myself for being so inappropriately dressed (can you say flipflops over and over?!).

But seriously, the idea sounds really good, feasible in the general sense of the word. I know my boss will take a deeper look at it, but what about his Chairman? That is what I am a bit apprehensive about.

On the personal side, I look forward to (at least) freelance writing work. It is extra income and will sharpen my somewhat dulled brain. There are times that I feel that my blog entries are not comprehendible and concise enough. I need to get my creativity back.

The leap of faith (read: a new job) may come in due time, when I am ready and free from all my present, albeit minor, "fears". Yeah, crazy, I still need to shake my resolve some more.

Compensation-wise, it is a no-brainer for me to get into something new.

But I also want to be in an industry or field that I enjoy, learn things from and makes me feel fulfilled, accomplished. Where I am now used to get me all giddy and eager to face challenges head-on. Sometimes it still does, though I do wish the pay was much better.

I was once told that money matters in one's career path and that my viability and potentials rest on my "market value". But on the other side of the coin, money will not really matter as long as you do something you really want and are passionate about for an everyday living.

Blame it on the blasted economy. Or my idealism. Whatever.

Can I not just have it both ways?!

Random-ness

2006-06-05T11:02:00.000+08:00

* I know that I am not supposed to blog about work, but sometimes I just cannot help venting about it here. Should lessen, diminish, avoid, make it eventually go away.

* I might be stuck here in Manila this coming long weekend after all. My travel companion cum piglet cum ex-college roommate suddenly has this catering do. Oh well. Do not have enough pocket money for the trip anyway. But still .... Now I have to either get a ticket refund or an open booking for a future trip. *sniff*

** School season is upon us once again. It only means one significant thing for me: T-R-A-F-F-I-C to the maximum power of mathematics possible. Even the MRT and LRT will be congested like hell. Argh.

* I barely fit into my favorite distressed Giordano bootlegs last Saturday. This means that I really have to scrimp on the sweets and carbo (and to think that I once blogged that I am happy "in my own skin"). I really want to fit into my old pairs of pants, skirts and blouses again!!!

*** Met up with Carlyn and Fats (yey!) at Greenbelt 3, also last Saturday. Despite the rain, warm conversations and laughter with old friends is still tops. Next mission: VIDEOKE (please?)!

** Sometimes I get too sensitive indeed. However, I wish he would also acknowledge his shortcomings and apologize ... even for once in a blue moon.

*** I am still livid that I have to commute by public transport every single afternoon because of ... never mind. Which bring me to the thought of ....

*** Why can we not banish, ostracize or murder rumormongrers?!

*** I am waiting for my qualifying test results. Lord, I want to pass ... make me take the next exam, please!!!

* I got an e-mail regarding a vacancy at an international office (UN arm). Salary is thrice my current monthly take home pay. There is a written test prior to the interview for the job. What do you think?

I Need Tons Of Advil

2006-06-01T11:52:00.000+08:00

I hate being at work these days.

An officemate has left for his DAGOC job; another one is departing next weekend. Our E.A. meanwhile might also leave come July. Which leaves me here to carry on most things for my department. I have no idea if my boss plans to get other people as support staff, but I know I will die if he does not hire anyone else in the event our E.A. does leave.

As a result, I am tasked to complete financial liquidations for the department: something I have never relished doing these past almost six years of working for the agency. I know there are more tasks to come, which is fine with me.

On the more serious side, I was also told of some character assasination plot that aims to drag me into the picture. While I will not spill details here (well, not now ...), I must say that I am really upset of being used by some self-serving bastards who command respect but do not deserve such. If they want to have full control of things, they should do it the right way, not by putting other people down and involving others in the process.

Ugh. I want to rant and vent in detail but I cannot. At this point, I can only pray that either I get a different job ASAP or the bastards meet their karma soon.

My head aches like hell.

I want to cry.

Bloody Sunday

2006-05-29T11:36:00.000+08:00

I was awake before 5 am, out of the house by 6 am. Good thing my parents and Kirsten (yes, she was up and about too) brought me to the testing center, or I would have spent a fortune on cab fare after realizing that the place was at the other side of the Republic of Makati.

When I arrived at the actual location at 6:30, there was quite a crowd at the entrance looking for their names and assigned room numbers. I was placed with 24 other hapless examinees in room number four. After jotting down other details such as my examinee number (which was eventally useless), I bumped into an old high school classmate (Jo) and a friend's ex- who is now a new lawyer (Sonni). Dragged Sonni outside the university's gate so I can smoke (most Philippine colleges and universities are non-smoking zones now) while we traded how-are-yous, lovelife synopses and individual plans in life.

I went back to my assigned room a few minutes before 7 am (our call time). We were only about six people there, waiting for our respective turns to submit our ID pictures, fill up personal data sheets and affix thumbprints on the seat plan (yes, we had a seat plan; our pictures were pasted there as well). All 25 examinees were accounted for only about ten minutes before 8 am.

The testing room was airy enough and had adequate lighting. There was no air conditioning yet it was comfortable inside. However, right outside our room was a flock of roosters. You can imagine how distracting their cackling and crowing were while we were taking the test.

We were supposed to answer 170 items in three hours (a little more than a minute per item). A big chunk of the qualifying test was on English grammar and comprehension, stuff I used to get high grades in during my school years. There were also items on data and graph analysis, logical reasoning (analytical reasoning is apparently a different concept) and basic management principles.

During my review, I was struggling with Math and spent less time on English. But yesterday, the English items were my cause of headache and bane of existence (argh!).

Needless to say, majority (let's say 95%) of my fellow examinees were not smiling after submitting the test sheets and questionnaires. My woes were compounded when I had to wait another hour before getting a cab ride home, due to a stupefying traffic jam along J. P. Rizal.

It was a good thing that despite my crankiness and dismay over the morning's events, I had good sense to spend the afternoon with Mama and Kirsten at Rockwell and The Fort for lunch and some shopping (got a new blouse from Nullah and swooned over some pairs of Havaianas that I plan to buy in the coming paydays) and cool my head off. Then again, I digress ....

Honestly, I think I will not make the first cut. I will actually be lucky to get a grade of 65-70% in yesterday's test (I need 80% to qualify for the second part.).

Then again, we never know what is ahead of us, right (I am obviously hoping ...)?

In Fate's Hands

2006-05-26T16:17:00.000+08:00

After almost two weeks of refreshing my brain on long forgotten mathematical formulas and concepts, English grammar, reading comprehension and abstract reasoning; and learning some basic management concepts along the way, I am officially desisting from further self-review for Sunday's qualifying test.

Not because I cannot take any more studying or am already lazy; I just figured that I would be less nervous about it if I just stopped worrying.

And so from tonight until the entirety of tomorrow, I will be calm, keep my cool, relax - and be praying hard that I make (at least) the first cut.

This scenario all so reminds me of the time I was about to take the ACET more than a decade (egad!) ago. Back then, it was about getting into the college I dreamt of since fifth grade. This time around, my future will depend on whether I make good now or otherwise.

I feel that I have reviewed enough; so I will take it a bit easy and just psyche myself for the best.

On the other hand, if I am really meant to pass this three-part exam and shift careers (well, not exactly "shifting": it will still be for the highest office in this country), I will.

I just hope Fate will be more kind than usual.

Give Me Fives!

2006-05-24T12:39:00.000+08:00

Tagged again, this time by Ganns.

Instructions: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1) Kiss My Mike
2) Micerridwen
3) Wifely Steps
4) Superblessed
5) While The Iron Is Hot

Next, select five people to tag:

1) Via
2) Frannie
3) Russelle
4) Jehan (this should keep you busy blogging when you update again, hehe!)
5) Fire

And now the questions …

What were you doing 10 years ago?
At this month, having preparatory meetings for Team Aegis 1997-98

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Trying to go pesco vegetarian, preparing for my current work assignment and changing blogsites

Five snacks you enjoy:
1) Pringles Original or Cheez-um potato crisps
2) Plain or Crispy M&M's
3) Kirei shrimp flakes
4) Ham and cheese Yumpanadas
5) Buttered and unsalted sweet Japanese corn on the cob

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1) I Wanna Hold Your Hand (The Beatles)
2) 'Till They Take My Heart Away (Clair Marlo)
3) Wouldn't It Be Nice (The Beach Boys)
4) I Won't Last A Day Without You (The Carpenters)
5) Crazy For You (Madonna) ... and a lot more

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1) Give 10% to charity
2) Buy a house for Mama
3) Embark on a European tour
4) Enroll in graduate school outside the P.I.
5) Do a personal wardrobe overhaul

Five bad habits:
1) Smoking
2) Swearing
3) Fingernail biting
4) Eating too much sweets
5) Procrastination

Five things you like doing:
1) Sleeping through Saturday afternoons
2) Playing with my niece Kirsten
3) Reading books and magazines
4) Listening to music in solitary confinement (my room)
5) Being out of the house with friends or Luv

Five things you would never wear again:
1) Anything neon-colored
2) Baston jeans tapered at the ankles
3) Boy shorts
4) Closed leather flats with boy shorts
5) Hawaiian print polo blouses (long story!)

Five favorite toys:
1) Barbie dolls
2) Barbie house accessories
3) Rainbow Brite Shy Violet doll
4) She-Ra and Teela figurines
5) "The Legend of Zuma" on the Nintendo Family Computer

Simple Pleasures and Life's Songs

2006-05-22T16:00:00.000+08:00

Tagged by Via (hello!)

Instructions: Name ten of life’s simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick ten people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used.

1. Sleep

2. Buttered corn on the cob

3. Keebler's soft chewy choco chip cookies (packaged in a red bag, I forgot the product's name)

4. A good book to finish within a day

5. Dancing along to music in my room by my lonesome

6. Playing with my niece Kirsten and her responding gleefully in return

7. Shake (salmon) sashimi

8. Ebi (shrimp) tempura

9. A whiff of Luv's parfum de homme

10. Hugs, kisses and hand massages from Luv

I tag Bing, Arjay, Jay, Lianne, Gen, Fire, Nines, Jehan, Ganns and Candice.

*****

Another meme, this time from my LJ. Actually amusing. Taken last Thursday.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.

2. Press forward for each question.

3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!

4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.

5. Bold the questions and answers that swak.

How are you feeling today?

Alam Ko Alam N'yo - The Dawn

Will you get far in life?

All At Once - Whitney Houston

How do your friends see you?

Nahihibang - VST. Hahahaha!!!

Will you get married?

Serious - Gwen Stefani. Does this count as a "yes"?

What is your best friend's theme song?

Help Me Rhonda - The Beach Boys ... Help me get to Rhonda, my heart ...

What is the story of your life?

Give Me The Night - The Dawn. Labo.

What was high school like?

Beautiful - Carole King. Er, except for my girl friends and AC Chorale, I actually am not quite sure.

How can you get ahead in life?

Footloose - Kenny Loggins. Oh, yeah!

What is the best thing about your friends?

Light My Fire - The Doors. Heehee. ;-P

What is today going to be like?

Someday - Sugar Ray. Nice one, very apt at this point of my life!

What is in store for this weekend?

Magnifica - VST. Hmmm.

What song describes you?

My Sharona - The Knack

To describe your grandparents?

The Philippine Civil Service Hymn (seriously). Nyark.

How is your life going?

Happy Together - Mel Trome. Uyyy ... hehehe!

What song will they play at your funeral?

She Loves You - The Beatles. I think this is too happy a song for such an event.

How does the world see you?

Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar) - The Doors. Teka, mukha ba akong lasengga?

Will you have a happy life?

Ticket To Ride - The Beatles

What do your friends really think of you?

Head Over Heels - The Go-Gos

Do people secretly lust after you?

Swing - VST

How can I make myself happy?

Sometimes A Fantasy - Billy Joel

What should you do with your life?

You'll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins. Wait, I am suddenly lost.

Will you ever have children?

Paperback Writer - The Beatles. I think this means "no".

As for tagging ... it is up to anyone who wants to answer this as well.

Catharsis

2006-05-17T12:55:00.000+08:00

Last weekend's weather was a welcome respite; a good opportunity to let go of some ill thoughts and feelings towards a few people and circumstances.

Part of my rotten mood could be attributed to what is personally the most humid and sweltering summer I have ever experienced (come to think of it, it gets warmer each year this season comes). Migraines are frequent, it is a bitch to commute by public transport and I feel more lethargic than usual.

As I cannot smoke within my condo unit's perimeter, I decided to go to our common podium area on Saturday afternoon. There were very few people, the wind was blowing through really hard and rain hit like the gods were crying in lament over how we sin so gravely. But it was a welcome change from the sunshine and aridness. It was just so cold.

It was one of the few times that I really savored being in my lonesome to reflect and refresh my mind. It had also been a long while since I literally immersed myself in literally stormy weather (well, not really as I was in the covered area, but you know what I mean).

It just felt great, as if the wind was carrying all the negativity, anger and frustration away to another dimension.

I further realized how lucky and fortunate I am for what I have at this point of my life. These may not be much compared to those wallowing in material wealth, but I find that I still have a purpose to fulfill.

It seems strange, but I found calm amidst a storm. And now that sunny days are here again for some more time, I yearn for rain to soothe my soul and cleanse my mind.

Right On Track

2006-05-12T17:41:00.000+08:00

I did it. I submitted the requirements and am actually taking the test. Again, if I may add.

It all started as a joke. Now it is really going to happen. Mama knows about this, so do a few close friends, a few officemates and my boss.

Now I am feeling some pressure. The obvious need to review what I learned back in school looms. I have not taken an exam in more than half a decade and I hope that I do well in this (there are two more parts to hurdle).

I need to get serious now. Really.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!

So Shoe Me

2006-05-10T11:06:00.000+08:00

When we moved into our current condominium, I specifically chose the most obscure and least accessible space for my own privacy. It was originally designated as househelp’s quarters, yet I figured that it would be the right room for me. Given my penchant of turning up the radio at ungodly hours of the day and having outgrown being someone’s roommate by virtue of consanguinity, I knew myself better and preferred to mind my own business.

Having my personal belongings re-arranged or removed by anyone (even my mother), especially without my permission, is also, honestly, a capital sin against me. I gladly welcome my bed being made and my space being cleaned. But nobody messes with my closet, books, CDs, clothes, shoes … anything personal that is within my perimeter of privacy and solitude.

Speaking of shoes, along the path leading to my room are shelves where my parents, the bitch of an eldest sister, my only brother and I place our shoes in. Even in this part of the house, I mark my boundaries and silently cringe at someone else’s shoes crossing my designated space (usually the bitch eldest sister’s). Among the females in the house, I have the least number of pairs to my name (as of last purchase, they amounted to about eighteen, some requiring minor repairs), and these take up less space than the others. The bitch eldest sister, meanwhile, seems to be an Imelda Marcos in the making: having more shoes than fathomable and not even using these on regular rotation. Naturally, her pairs take up more area. Even Mama was left with no choice but to store her other shoes in her own room.

Over the weekend, I was shocked to find out that eight pairs of my shoes were missing from their storage area. The last time I checked them two weeks ago, they were still there. And these were pairs that I used on ordinary days to easily match my chosen outfits. Mama once had two expensive pairs of mine thrown out as they had not been repaired yet, and I blew my top over that as they just needed minor re-haul but were taken away without my permission. That incident happened more than a year ago, and now this. Those eight pairs were relatively cheaper and their total costs amount to less than of the previous two pairs, and they were in top condition.

Thinking that the cleaning lady just placed them somewhere, I checked all the boxes and plastic bags containing shoes to see if my eight pairs were there. I even scrounged through our lanai-cum-attic, and still no sign of even one pair.

This morning, I was rushing to go to work. After donning the perfect outfit, I looked for suitable sandals. When I realized that a missing pair was what I needed, I was downright pissed off. Looking at the shoe storage area and seeing that the bitch eldest sister had more brand new pairs of shoes that were encroaching upon my space, anger set in deeply in me.

I went to Mama and (for the nth time) told her that I had looked everywhere yet my missing shoes were … well, still missing. I also complained that the bitch eldest sister’s pairs were taking up most of the space in the area, particularly the space where my eight pairs were once placed. Mama said that she would have the place checked and (surprise!) that I should not accuse her beloved eldest daughter of taking out my shoes in their proper places.

I know how protective Mama is of her eldest sister for reasons I cannot elaborate (it is a very private matter, one my parents do not realize that my other sister and I know about it), but I never mentioned anything about the bitch having a role in my shoes’ disappearance.

So in other words, Mama and I got into each other’s throats this morning over missing pairs of shoes. What a way to start the day, huh?

But what really irks me is that I do my share in the household, respect house rules and give everyone else their own space in every sense of the word, yet I seem to be shortchanged on the receiving end.

Instances like this make me want to move out and go on my own, but financial stability is another story (I imagine some of you wanting to push me further on getting a new job ASAP, but that will happen in due time). My want and need of independence is increasing as days goes by.

I know this morning’s row seems petty, but maybe it also hints that I should start getting by on my own.

Charity Has Its Limits, Too

2006-05-08T14:00:00.000+08:00

One thing I despise about sfaff duties is screening callers and visitors for our boss. It is easier though to manage those who call or come for professional reasons, more so if they are from groups related to our line of work.

But it is also a common practice in agencies like mine that some individuals take the chance of soliciting money from officials for various reasons. It is also something which, despite it sounding so selfish, should be curbed, primarily for security reasons.

I know that Joey is one of the kindest people around, in fact one of the kindest I have met in my entire life. But as his staff, it is also my duty to protect him from being taken advantaged of or becoming an easy resort to such practice.

There is this middle-aged lady (let us put her in her early fifties) who has been coming here since last week looking for Joey. As he was not around or busy in meetings, I had to entertain her (our EA/COS was on vacation then, and he still has not gone back). She said that she wanted to see Joey personally as they had met downstairs once and he had told her to come to his office sometime so that they could talk. When I was asking her what she was to discuss with him (so that I can relay it to him), she said it was a personal matter (in her own words, may ilalapit siya). So I just asked her to come back with the proper documentation for Joey's perusal and reference.

When I mentioned this to him on the way home, Joey said that he had never met or neither seen the woman. As such, he just told me to get whatever papers she had on her purpose of visit.

Almost an hour ago, the lady was back. She had brought with her a copy of documents pertaining to her three-month-old granddaughter's medical condition. It turned out that she was about to ask Joey for money to augment expenses for this. The lady was really stubborn and wanted to go inside his office. I politely refused and told her that I would present the documents to him instead.

Upon reading through the documents, Joey instructed me to tell the lady to be referred to the PCSO for help instead. I cleared the matter up with the Executive Director's office who in turn sent physical reinforcement in case the lady was to make a scene.

Expectedly, the lady was upset. She said that the PCSO would not help her as she had gone there before. She was even tattling about the former official stationed in our work area who was so generous and shelled out cash from his own pocket to help her pay off her husband's burial expenses. But what really got to me was her accusing me of stopping her from seeing Joey and that (in this effect) God would punish me for what I was doing. To my own surprise, I calmly apologized and told her that I was simply following instructions.

Our security coordinator arrived after she left. I relayed what had happened and opined that in-house security should be more judicious on letting in people for the right purposes.

Not that I look at this as an inconvenience, but there are proper channels for this kind of transaction. While it is not bad to help, we are at the same time bound by rules and regulations. If a request is not cleared and/or is not within our mandate to fulfill, we cannot act on it.

Everything, after all, does have its limits.

In My Own Skin

2006-05-04T10:25:00.000+08:00

I bet most of you remember how I whine about my excess poundage, blemishes, unpredictable hair, varicose veins and not being able to shop and pamper myself as much as I should. Save for my regular foot spas and pedicures, I think that I do not work hard enough to be worthy poster girl-centerfold-bombshell-Miss Universe material.

While obsessing about weight loss and a flawless complexion, I did go about major undertakings that temporarily alleviated these problems: Roaccutane (a very potent form of retinoin taken orally), diet pills, green tea, all sorts of diets.

I never really stuck through a fitness regimen for a significant period of time though: I stopped playing badminton almost five years ago and failed to continue my muay aero after a work-related physical transfer. And yes, I still smoke, which is very, very, very unhealthy.

One day, I just decided to let it all go and be comfortable in my own skin. I mean, so what if I have excess weight or a few zits here and there? Society seems to have been so obsessed with beauty that we tend to forget that it is character and personality that matters most. No amount of cosmetic maquillage and procedure can make one a better person if coming off as a bitch or a-hole leaves a more lasting impression on others.

I went back to the basics: regular facial cleansing with the right products, a few antidotes to alleviate the occasional blemish (I admit to still squeezing them with my fingers at times-- something I think my sister-derma ought not to know), eating well with the occasional sweet treats, getting at least six hours of sleep (a miracle of sorts). I feel better not having to try too hard and spending hard-earned cash on diet fads (Reductil seems tempting, but for approximately Php100 a pop, I say f*ck it). I find myself not ingesting as much nicotine, tar and carbon monoxide as I used to. Not a conscious effort, admittedly, but maybe my body is telling me something here.

The best part of it all is that I seem to be getting more compliments about my appearance these days. Never mind the small flaws, but it feels great when people actually say that I am prettier these days. Having a former crush or once-upon-a-time "prospect" tell me this is particularly a priceless moment (priceless seems to be my favorite word of the moment, but I digress ...).

Who cares about how I look but myself? As long as I feel good about my appearance and disposition, I am one content woman.

It must be love, I guess (wink!).

I Heart My Girlfriends!

2006-05-02T14:39:00.000+08:00

My bestest dorm galpals. Photo at Cafe Bola by future media mogul Tata Vinzons.

After Matthew's baptism last April 9th, I was unable to see people until last Thursday when Nikki spent her last evening in Manila with us former dormmates. She had been to a CISV seminar in Tagaytay days earlier and was unable to contact us earlier as she had a new mobile number and had no record of ours (her last unit was stolen).

So, half an hour earlier than expected in Greenbelt 3 (now, may I state for the record that I miss Makati ... NOT!), I decided to enter Krokodile Grille where Nikki, her hubby Rico and brother BJ were passing time before the rest of the Manila-based ladies arrived. It was good to see Rico for the first time in years and talking with BJ after an awkward stage (let us not elaborate on this further). I even got treated to two San Mig Lights (which I am deeply indebted for and must return in the future) and tasted Krokodile's famous fried legs with garlic (BJ said that you have not been to the place without trying this out).

When the rest of the ladies (Apple, Ate Joy, Tata and Chachi) arrived, the men left us ladies to pursue our customary catchings-up and chowtime at Cafe Bola. Did not really get to talk much though as I was busy eating (was really hungry) and preferred to discuss some life aspects with a chosen few. Capped this evening at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf with more talk. I am surprised that they think I am going to be the next "mommy of the dorm". Honestly, I wish not ... yet (heaven forbid!).

On Saturday, Fire hosted a belated birthday dinner for Lianne which featured three pasta dishes (I only got to sample two, sniff!), Fire's chicken satay experiment (pretty darn good), mango panna cotta (spiked!), screwdrivers (the OJ and vodka concoction) and a chocolate fountain (the chocolate I still pounced upon while we were cleaning up the place). Also got to watch The L Word, HBO's lesbian take on our all-time fave Sex and the City (we all know the Fab Four Femmes of Manhattan), Queer and Folk (gorgeous and gay men) and this other show on men which title escapes my consciousness.

I mention these and coffee with Apple at our neighborhood's The Coffee Beanery yesterday because I realize how much I actually miss being with my chicas. While work is a constant (for the main reason that I need to earn my own money) and having a man is great (well, most of the time), these women provide me the sanity I need to keep on with my daily pursuits. I can never trade them for anything else. For me, friendships with these women are priceless.

For all these and more, I love my girlfriends!

What IS Happening?

2006-04-25T15:12:00.000+08:00

Everything that unravelled yesterday has definitely gotten me thinking.

I did not realize how everything, even trusts and confidences, can be shattered by a lapse of judgement.

While I am not directly involved, it affects me because people I believed in actually have a part in this latest "saga".

I cannot find the right words to describe how I feel about people, events and circumstances at this point.

In a nutshell, it is simply incredulous.

Torn

2006-04-20T14:15:00.000+08:00

Last Holy Week was an opportunity for me to discern where life should take me, specifically in terms of livelihood (aka career). I have been in this field for almost seven years, yet it seems that I have been stuck in a plateau, stagnated if you may say so. Sometimes I feel that I am not putting my brains to proper and relevant use with the mediocrity surrounding me every single work day since June 2000.

I know that if I could be patient for fourteen more years, I can leave this field with quite a substantial lump sum and remittances derived from mandatory contributions to the GSIS and HDMF which by 2015 would amount to ... a lot. After that, I can write articles for publication or spend retirement with a small business, maybe even living the life of a glamourous housewife and stay-in mother to my future offspring.

Reviewing my most recent resume before its latest update, my conscience seemed to ask me if I had done anything exceptional or substantial for others through my line of work. I surmise that I should have. After all, I render service to about 80 million other Filipinos, most of them not realizing it. I have been part of programs and initiatives to raise heightened awareness of a particular aspect of living which seems to be a lower priority of lawmakers and scapegoat of some opportunists trying to make things look rosy in the guise of initiatives for development. And often so, it can be frustrating, unnerving, hopeless. People in my field are salaried much less than their counterparts abroad who in turn get higher monthly pay than CEO's in our country-- and we are aware of that (and it gets me gritting my teeth, too).

It is low monthly wages that get many others like me unpassionate and numb about the spirit behind our careers. It is not earning as much that corrupts their rationale and entices them to be involved in not-so-ideal transactions, which has become a way of life and is turned a blind eye to. Permanency does not deter them from doing such, which is sad because they do not give credence and value to the oath taken for country.

If I were just really gago, I might have just led this kind of existence. But I am proud to hold on to my principles and Jesuit-formed values (despite having more La Sallians, Thomasians, Iskolars ng Bayan and what-have-yous around me nine hours a day). Besides, karma does exist. I would not get anything good out of that. And while friends (and at times, Mama) would bewail on my monthly take home pay, hopefully they reckon that I still see purpose for my work. My bosses have been great and influenced my thinking and learning tremendously. It may be hapless and seems like a comfort zone, but it has helped me learn about reality and living more than anything else.

Nevertheless, I did revise my resume and send it to some friends as promised. I have to build up my portfolio of past published articles and recondition myself on what the future may bring. If opportunity comes, I might as well strike while the iron is hot (and I am not referring to this blog). As Forrest Gump did say, life is a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.

Then again, there is the promise of fourteen more years of certain income.

Rushed Re-Cap

2006-04-12T15:30:00.000+08:00

I unblogged for more than a week, so it seems. The office local network was down and when I get home, I no longer have energy to log in.

Anyway, the unwarranted hoopla at work is dying down. Like other fellow employees, I hope it is nipped at its bud come next week. It has been a tiring barrage of nonsense that grates the ears.

I was relieved for last weekend to have come. It was great to be actually away from the office. It was also then that I have begun re-evaluating my current life path. Maybe I do need to make a drastic and major shift to jolt up my rational self and start moving on in some aspects of life (more about this in future posts). On the lighter and brighter side, I got a totally unexpected gift: nice sets of Pierre Cardin jewelry. Yes, you read it right: sets, in the plural tense. Not to gloat about it, but I was really touched. It is great to be a girlfriend after all (wink!).

Went to Matthew's baptism Sunday. Cool parents Candice and Armand were great hosts. Paella & pollo at Alba was superb (I swear, I still have dreams about its paella! Maybe I should tell Luv to bring us there for dinner one time). Nice to have seen you too, Nines and Gen! Unfortunately, I just saw the keitri e-mail about tonight's get-together in Makati and I may have to pass on this one for the simple reason that I cannot go out to wherever I wish to trek tonight unless Boss Joey gets his cash and cellphone from me. I do not even know yet what time he is getting them from me. Oh well.

In the spirit of Holy Week, I am gladly taking time off to ponder on more serious things, maybe even complete a Visita Iglesia of seven churches this year, catch up on my reading and listen to soothing music fit for this season.

But more importantly, I know I have to ponder on what I really want out of life.

Eye Of The Storm

2006-04-04T15:54:00.000+08:00

Yes, that's what we're in right now.

It all started with a regular assembly that jolted people. There wasn't anything wrong with it. Many even commented that the facts were presented in the proper manner of speech.

So how come this? Now the media's gotten wind of the situation and blow it out of proportion.

T.I.B.I.

I'm sure you're all wondering what it is. I can't really put it here in detail since I'm in quite a fix because of what transpired. All I can say for now is that I go for the truth, for what is right.

When all this dies down, I shall speak. I just hope it ends really soon.

Yearning For Summer

2006-04-03T11:45:00.000+08:00

When I was still in school, I looked forward to summer vacations. A little over two months of respite from homework, exams, projects and papers was all I needed to recharge and keep my sanity in check. While I did eventually have summer classes in college (goddarn math!), it was still fun studying in a "festive" atmosphere. Heehee.

I entered my first job in the summer of 1999. It hasn't been the same ever since. I have gotten used to a daily routine of waking up by 7 am at the latest (5 am if I get really lucky) to get ready for work (a 30- to 40-minute commute via our "modern" railway transit system). I arrive at the office, unlock the door to my boss' room, cool up the air conditioning (which is punishing everytime it gets cleaned ... too cold for comfort) and settle down in my cubicle for another ordinary day.

The last time I went on a decent vacation was in late 2000 for my mom's birthday weekend in HK. Since then, the family's gone to Mactan, Bangkok, Baguio and Boracay without me. Work has tied me down and rendered me incapable of even twitching a finger to go anywhere for reasons not related to the office.

Honestly, I need a break from the monotony of everyday life. I want to go anywhere where I don't see a computer and piles of papers to fix. So that means not blogging for a while, but I would take anything to momentarily get me out of here.

I need a change of atmosphere. And I yearn for the summers of old when everything was just carefree and chill. I don't care where I go, as long as I have these with me:

1. A boombox to play my CDs to death

2. Lots of shorts, tees and maybe a tankini

3. Sunblock, toothbrush, Sensodyne, Cetaphil Oily Skin formula and Differin (god, I sound like an advertisement or one of those girls being interviewed by a fashion mag on their daily rituals)

4. My Havaianas and Birks. I want a pair of Happy Feet too.

5. The perfect travel companion (a close friend or him). Having means of private transport wouldn't hurt, by the way.

Can You Tell How ______ I Am?

2006-03-31T19:41:00.000+08:00

It's a Friday night ... and I'm doing overtime office work.

Not that I miss it. Actually, I don't. And I'm required to report to work tomorrow (gaaaahhh!!!).

It's taking forever to download these program presentation slides being e-mailed to an officemate for our office website. And I've to send TEN (or is it NINE? I don't wanna count anymore) files of at least 500KB each. Puñeta. Anyway, since I'm going to the office tomorrow, f*ck it.

I don't even have a ride home, so I've to use public transport tonight. Grrr. Traffic on my own, I face you again. Especially this weekend as those who passed the last bar exams are surely prowling through bars in the metro and guzzling down all the liquor they can get their hands on and actually take.

I'm hungry. I wanna go home. I wanna go out for Starbucks with any friend I could drag.

*****

Speaking of the bar exams, one of my closest friends failed her second try to pass. I really feel for her; it's such a frustrating experience. Our other friends who made it through asked me to talk her through this latest debacle. On the other hand, it's great to see some past acquaintances in the list of successful examinees. A former officemate and two (or is it three, because there was a familiar name but I'm not sure if she's the one here at work) current ones also made it. Congratulations to the new lawyers.

*****

Now this is totally unnerving.

I called up one of my closest office friends this afternoon to wish him well in his pending assignment overseas. Near the end of our conversation, he wanted to ask me a very personal question as he was hearing things from other people (obviously from work, and I damn know who the f*ck they are, and I'm not surprised) about, um, my personal life. I think we'll talk about it one of these days, when I ascertain what he was exactly referring to.

You know, I really don't get why some people just want to stick their noses up people's asses even when they shouldn't. I don't give a f*ck about them, why should they even bother?

As if I'm doing anything wrong. As far as I know, I'm not. I've just been working.

Haay naku. If they're just gonna mind people's business out of spite/envy/jealousy/idleness/having nothing else better to do, why don't they just resign from our agency and shape their f*cked up selves up?

Suddenly I wish our rationalization plan pushes through ASAP.

Friendship Overhaul

2006-03-27T10:00:00.000+08:00

It's been a week since a male (now, is he?) ex-friend and I burned bridges over a surprisingly petty matter that was a non-issue in the past. I'm all fine about it; I know myself pretty well and where I stand in the matter. It's the JAD (jerky assholic dork) who's making things difficult for himself. Never mind if he knows some classified information and that we were in one big happy barkada with The Ex-. I don't even get to talk to most of the barkada anymore because of career, work and personal concerns we have to deal with on our own.

I'm just surprised that the JAD claims that I've changed. I mean, the group would be cariñoso to one another. The other men were married but there wasn't any issue about it (geez, even the Ex- didn't make a fuss about it). In fact, I was in pretty good terms with their respective honeys. The JAD however has been in a long term relationship with this girl for what seems to be forever, and he's never introduced her to anyone of us as she's reportedly picky with people. Whatever. And suddenly he violently reacts to our usual banter, which I really don't get. If he ever had a problem with it before, he should've said something, right?

After all those other questions about him seeming to be gay by other people he ironically hangs out with now (and I remember telling him about this after joining them for an impromptu boozefest), I'm seriously beginning to doubt if it's worth mending this failed friendship. Especially after he thanked me last year for making him feel more comfortable in our current work setting, and now this.

Maybe it's because of my current involvement with a new man (the JAD knows I'm committed but actually doubts my loyalty towards Luv. That prick's nerve to even think of such), which has admittedly limited my gimmicks and outings with people. I do tell him when I'm meeting up with people, and he's fine with it as long as I don't stay out too late. He doesn't control my personal itinerary per se. But being with him has made me realize that I don't need late nights to nurture friendships. It's not what we eat, drink, smoke or talk about that quantifies for a good, solid friendship. I now think it's the trust, goodwill and confidence you have for another that make you stick like glue for decades. It's just like having a boyfriend; only that the person can be female and I don't harbor any romantic feelings towards him/her.

Come to think of it, the past year has been a filter of people coming in and out of my life. Some I am incommunicado with by choice, others by circumstance. There are friends I keep in touch with in any way possible (e-mail, SMS, mobile calls, web-based networks such as Friendster, which unfortunately is banned by my office's local area connection), and there are those I see on a not-so-regular basis.

There are people who want to meet up with me during gimmicks or parties, stuff I'm not inclined to these days. I prefer satisfying dinners, some coffee (Starbucks, Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf or Seattle's Best is perfectly fine) and great conversations. Even if I listen most of the time and I feel that being in my current work has bastardized my high school/college English (seriously), I'm happy in such get-togethers. Videoke and TV/movie marathons are bonuses. Mababaw lang naman ang kaligayahan ko.

I'm very thankful that there are friends (you know who you are) who understand how stressful work can get and that the weekends (and Luv, when's he not moody) have been my recent sources of sanity. Not that I consider them lucky that we can still meet up at times. But I do appreciate that despite recent events, they're still here for me.

And to others like the JAD ... well, I'm so not sorry at all.

Psyching Myself

2006-03-23T17:52:00.000+08:00

Via had one of those self-psychology web tests in her blog. Curious me tried answering it for myself. Pretty surprised at its accurate take on my personality. Just didn't realize that according to the test, I am a Considerate Analyst.

What do you think? Wanna try it on yourself?

This Would Have Been Nice

2006-03-20T11:06:00.000+08:00

Why didn't I have this when I was graduating from college?

I feel a bit shortchanged.

*****

In other news:

Shout-outs of gratitude go out to Fire and Barbs for the nice dinner, frappuccino and The Birdcage (Robin Williams, Nathan Lane, Gene Hackman, Hank Azaria) / Brokeback Mountain movie marathon at their house last weekend. Their abode is one of those places I surely leave at least ten pounds heavier.

Carlyn, you should have been there. We thought of you at the dining table.

Speaking of which, Powerbooks is having another Warehouse Sale at their Brixton Hills (near Pioneer area) quarters until 31 March. Can't wait to get at least two new tomes to my personal library.

Shunning Home

2006-03-18T17:29:00.000+08:00

Blame it on my dorm days in college or just being a plain insensitive bitch.

These days, I've been more inclined to spend time away from home ... even on weekends.

I'm not at odds with my parents (well, at least I'm civil with my dad). My siblings and I have our own careers to build and unpredictable schedules to manage (though I couldn't really care less for the eldest). And well, I just feel that I can't rest at home.

Then again, it must be because Saturday is the only day I can see my friends (and I don't really see a lot of them at this point). Or that I can't really smoke and blog at home so I have to get out for a few hours to satisfy the urge.

There are unresolved domestic issues to deal with. But for the meantime, I may be turning a blind eye on these.

I just wish that when I have my own family, it wouldn't turn out like this.

My goodness, this post doesn't seem to make any sense. Much like my feelings towards home.

Idle And Curious

2006-03-15T11:20:00.000+08:00

I think it's pretty obvious that there are some "down days" at the office when you see successive posts on this page.

And because today is somewhat "down", I fixed my Tag-Board and link to my profile back in place.

I have some things to follow up and coordinate with in a few minutes though. It's all good.

Somebody, anybody ... entertain me!

*****

Out of curiosity, I checked the newest compilation of music by Mercedes Benz' Mixed Tape series which was featured in the latest Preview ish. The site has already posted ten previous compilations for free downloading from the Web, and I am somewhat disappointed that I can't get access of these.

Of course, I am also pleased with the current selection online. Very chill, house-y and breezy. Such music from four continents ain't bad to relax or dance to on a hot summer day indeed.

Despite office policy against such, I downloaded the Mixed Tape 11 series. In fact, it's playing as I edit this post.

*****

Another blog survey (from a previous Livejournal entry), but instead of reproducing it here ad verbatim, click here to read instead. Take a stab at it if you wish.

Yahoo, Whew!

2006-03-14T17:17:00.002+08:00

I feel so accomplished today. Hehe.

Well, I finally figured out how to upload and adjust the graphics on this page. Thanks a bunch, Candice. It was pretty difficult to initially figure it out, but I eventually got it.

Gotta get a better grip on HTML from now on.

Now about my Tag-Board, that's another story.

*****

Which brings me to my latest emceeing gig this morning at Aurora Elementary School, said to be the best public elementary school in the country. And I have to agree: conducive school atmosphere, good facilities, professional faculty, very smart and behaved students who were not difficult to manage at all.

For somebody who is somewhat struggling with the Tagalog language (blame it on four years of schooling in a place where most people spoke in English-- not college, haha!), I managed to survive communicating to 400+ girls in the vernacular.

Some officemates commented that I would make a good teacher since I know how to establish rapport with young people. I do credit this to my ORSEM TNT days (college kids are harder to manage, believe me), but to actually consider a career in teaching at this time is alien. It is a noble profession, and I commend all my friends and acquaintances pursuing this career path for doing so. It is a personal choice to somewhat divert myself from this for now. But malay n'yo, biglang magkaroon ng himala sa mundo. :)

Anyway, I feel pretty good. There's another tour stop next week. There's work and other things to smile about.

But honestly, I want to take a breather from emceeing for a while.

At The Other Side

2006-03-10T16:42:00.000+08:00

(Foreword: I am so pissed that my camera phone still isn't fixed. I would've loved to take pictures while I was at the other side of the fence last Friday. Damn.)

Yes, I was in DE LA SALLE. The rival school. Green territory. Archers' Land. For two hours to emcee my office's program for Women's Month.

After a quick lunch at Mickey D's with Boss Joey (a proud Iskolar ng Bayan) and Ricky (a La Sallian), we went in the university's main gate and dashed to the Pablo Nicolas Auditorium where our talk was to be held. I got a bit sentimental while walking through the La Salle Building, remembering college and how good it was for me despite the F's and overstaying by a semester (Frannie, don't you dare do these!).

Except that I didn't study there, of course. And while enroute to Yuchengco Hall for our post-event reception, I kept thinking that I made the right choice fourteen years ago when I enrolled at the Ateneo instead.

Now I ask my La Sallian readers not to raise eyebrows on the last statement. I actually have grade school and high school friends who went to DLSU/CSB/EAC for college, and they've been great. Our schools' rivalries never got in the way of our dealings with one another. More importantly, we've always taken our occasional ribbings about our campuses in stride (except for some people who seem to take into Ateneo bashing as a hobby).

But I'd like to state that there are still some people who keep bringing up the rivalry even at the least, uh, proper time. Just because you are in your territory doesn't give you any right to belittle your so-called adversary.

The program went well. While emceeing, I even made a reference to my being Atenean, which elicited various reactions from the audience (I was particularly touched to see a few ex- Ateneans raise their right fists in tribute to the Ol' White and Blue). Students there didn't really mind; they all took it good-naturedly.

Anyway, things seemed "okay" until our reception with a few DLSU officials. One in particular initiated a conversation with me, which in part went like this:

Official: So you're Atenean. What was your [college] course?

Me: (mentions name of course)

Official: That's like International Studies, right?

Me: No. My course is being offered in CSB, if I'm not mistaken. I took major subjects in two fields.

Official: Ah, here kasi that's LiaCom.

Me: Yes, I almost took that here.

Official: Well, why didn't you?

Me: I passed the ACET. Ateneo was my first choice.

Official: I see. You know, the last time I went there, I was aghast to see that the restrooms at the hall we had our function in weren't clean. Saka, nauna kami (DLSU) na maaccredit ng PAASCU, nahuli kayo.

Me: Ah, oo. They had to renovate the campus before PAASCU accreditation nga raw.

Fine, call me sore. But the conversation seemed to go in a condescending way that just got me a bit ticked off for a few minutes.

Fortunately I was in an official function, representing my office, and my bosses were there, so I was able to keep myself on check.

I'd like to say further that if a La Sallian were in my turf, I wouldn't mention a "horrific" experience I had while in theirs, for courtesy's sake. It is bad taste to do that, you know.

Yet this doesn't change my love for my La Sallian friends (trust me!).

And yes, this doesn't change my love for my Alma Mater either.

*****

Yes, another change: Candice, I sure hope you don't mind if I got this template.

However, as you can see, headings' colors didn't come out as they should. The floral images are nowhere to be seen. Which is weird as I didn't meddle with the template HTML at all.

Also, I can't put my Tag-Board here for now as I've to figure out how to make it fit here and not get the links down below the posts. And for some reason, my Haloscan comments box isn't popping out.

Just a little more tweaking, folks, and this is all set.

Trekking A Thin Line

2006-03-09T13:18:00.000+08:00

Not everyone in my life circle knows the real deal about my current love life. It's been the most, uh, "dramatic" a-bit-past-half-a-year of my life and God knows what else is in store for me and Luv, two people who came into a relationship fresh from separate personal battles.

I admit that it hasn't been easy, and I've whined a few times about this with a chosen few. I know that our patience and understanding with each other has been tested to the hilt. Certain times and not-so-ideal circumstances have caused frustrations and disappointments. Yet despite all the shit and whatever’s our way, we're still together.

I thought that I could manage this with aplomb. But last night, I realized that I can't.

Luv and I have discussed this a number of times, reminding each other that we should be more conscious and discerning of our actions and words. Of course, we sometimes tend to forget. After grounding ourselves to reality, we go back to being carefree. It's a cycle that should be stopped, albeit difficult.

I know the solution to this; it's just a matter of mutual acceptance. And I know that I don't want to lose him in the process. At the same time, I need to get a bit of myself back.

But I wonder when we'll finally go beyond this thin line.

Some Women's Day

2006-03-08T15:34:00.000+08:00

So ... our program launch is finally over. It really could've gone better, except for some small glitches that actually meant big for other people.

I'm just so relieved. And I don't want to emcee another program in the future. When you are in charge of the program, it is a death sentence to do the hosting as well.

As expected (and to my boss' chagrin, a pisser), the program started thirty minutes late as the moderator was stuck in traffic from Ortigas.

Our supposed male panelist fell ill last night and couldn't make it. Thank goodness there was a replacement at hand, though he had to skip a meeting for our program.

The best part of it all? My precious clamshell mobile phone (yes, the birthday gift) dropped with a thud on the floor while we were giving out plaques to our panelists. Now it is rendered inutile. I have to have it fixed ASAP (does anyone know where I can have a Nokia 6101 repaired for a reasonable price?).

Haay. To think that it was supposed to be a great day.

PS. Despite my utterly despicable frame of mind as I close this, Happy International Women's Day to us kabaros!

Too Soon

2006-03-03T10:54:00.000+08:00

Early this morning, Carlyn forwarded an SMS from Trissie, a high school batchmate of ours about another batchmate's husband succumbing to a heart attack last night.

The said batchmate (my age or a year older) was suddenly widowed with three young children to support.

I shuddered at the thought. How do you initially deal with your lifetime partner, a guy you met during your high school years (this I presume, for I wasn't really close with the batchmate), suddenly dying while you are both at the prime of your lives as individuals and as a couple?

As they say, some good things never last. And you never know what future lies ahead.

Carlyn gently reminded me about being thankful for Luv being around. I've to admit that despite his stubborness and occasional unpredictability, he makes life better for me and I've to be more understanding and patient with him.

Yes, despite some sh*t, there are still people and things to be grateful for.

As for the batchmate and her young children, I can only pray that they come out stronger from this trial and learn to appreciate life and family more.

Whacked And Pissed

2006-03-02T10:43:00.000+08:00

It's hell week once again.

I know I'm not supposed to whine here, but I have to. I have no other forms of release except for blogging. It isn't exactly advisable to bring home such negativity lest you want your mother breathing down your neck due to your career-related mood swings.

Anyway, there's a major program next Wednesday and things seem to be going crazy (budgetary deficiencies can really wear you down). Add to that a boss who has been in a funk himself the past few days due to more general concerns. Other external factors are adding pressure, and it's really wearing me down.

I just want next Wednesday to be over. I can breathe more smoothly after that. But there are still some issues (even those outside work) to deal with.

Pakshet talaga. T.I.B.I.

It's Our Turn (For The Ladies, That Is)

2006-02-28T13:48:00.000+08:00

Okay, so this is a shameless plug. :)

Our office will be spearheading a series of activities under my agency's Women in Sports 2006 Program in celebration of International Women's Month and National Women's Day on March 8. It's what I'm currently wracking my brains off for, and it isn't easy not having our E.A. around for this (he's supposed to be back from the U.S. tomorrow. I hope he is back. Ulp.)

Anyway, we are teaming up with the International Labor Organization, National Commission on the Role of Filipino Women and the Manila Sports Council for this, and it's quite a challenge since the United Nations has placed our program in their Calendar. We're supposed to pull off a world-class program catering to women, particularly on the field of sports where there is still a great amount of discrimination and lopsidedness involved.

Thus, may I post here an invitation for anyone interested to be part of these major activities:

Leveling the Playing Field: A Panel Discussion on Women in Sports on 08 March, 10 am at the Ninoy Aquino Stadium, Manila. Preceding our Formal Launch of Program Activities, we will be featuring Akiko Thomson and SEAG double gold medalist Amaya Paz (Archery) among the panelists. Discussion proper will be moderated by the ILO.

Women's Ekiden Fun Run 2006 on 26 March, 6:00 am at the Quirino Grandstand, Manila. A special form of relay race derived from a Japanese tradition for teams composed of five (5) women each. Sorry boys, you can't join this race.

For information on the abovementioned, particularly the fun run, do e-mail me or send a SMS.

I'm Beginning Not To Look Forward to Weekends

2006-02-27T11:05:00.000+08:00

Fridays used to be the most awaited day of the week. Knowing that work will cease for two and the endless possibilities of where I would find myself (with friends-- a rare occurence nowadays-- or with Luv, which is the case at these times) just thrills me to bits.

However, I've begun to notice how recently unwelcome developments occur on what could have been potentially peaceful and happy weekends.

The Wowowee Stampede happened on 04 February, a Saturday.

After a respite the week before, the Guinsaugon Landslide shook up Southern Leyte on 17 February.

And just last Friday, when people should've been celebrating 20 years of People Power which shall no longer be manifested at its greatest in current times, we found ourselves again facing another coup d'etat and civil unrest. While plans for another government takeover was foiled, we were placed under a state of national emergency.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this series of unfortunate events seem to be triggered by one thing: self-interests dismissing the importance of the common good.

Almost 90 people were trampled to their deaths by a melee of thousands desperate to get seats in the venue of the temporarily shelved game show with hopes of winning at least Php20,000 during commercial break raffle draws.

Illegal logging and mining instigated by usurpist companies and permitted by opportunist local officials practically sealed a death sentence for the thousands of people buried alive by mud after continuous rains poured over St. Bernard, Southern Leyte early this month.

And now, it seems that (as Boss Joey put it during this morning's office flag ceremony) those no longer in power want to be back on top in the guise of properly governing the country's affairs (yeah right!).

Weeks ago, the local currency found renewed strength against the US dollar. Now, all this instability and uncertainty has dragged us down again. Apparently, some self-serving former and current politicians and wannabes are conspiring to wrest away the leadership from Malacañang's current occupants.

So GMA isn't perfect. But no one else who became President was perfect. They say she cheated. But almost every candidate cheats during Philippine elections. Almost everyone who gets to rule over the people has in one way or another amassed massive amounts of fortune during their terms. In short, Filipinos have always been deceived by their leaders in one way or another.

I'm not necessarily pro-GMA, though I work for the government. But let me pose this question: if not her, who else? The answer is simple: no one. We have to wait until 2010, or 2007 if they push through the shift to a parliamentary form of government.

Why can't those opportunists from the political and social opposition just wait for their rightful turn to head our country (or can't they just NOT rule ever)?

Why can't we just unite as one to uplift our country from further chaos and downfall?

Why can't people just shut up and let the government prove its worth?

Reminiscing Anew

2006-02-17T12:56:00.000+08:00

After stumbling through this questionnaire, I realized that I had to look back at 2005 again. For one last time, that is.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you’d never done before? Finally broke up with my ex and had a new boyfriend in one year!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Resolutions are meant to be broken. That’s why I don’t call them as resolutions. So far … am trying not to slack.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? A number of friends did last year.

4. Did anyone close to you die? None in my immediate family. A co-worker just did last month though, but he had been on leave since last year.

5. What countries did you visit? Haven’t gone out of the P.I. for a long time. Badly want to. Need to have my passport renewed first.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? Money to do what I want and get what I need

7. What date(s) from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 8 and 9, September 9. I invoke my right to silence on this one.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting appointed to a permanent position at work

9. What was your biggest failure? Gaining more weight than expected

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Aside from the flu, nothing really serious

11. What was the best thing you bought? Didn’t exactly buy it, but got a new cell phone last year. Also have a new flat screen monitor and speakers for use at work.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My niece Kirsten, my office department

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Too many to mention!

14. Where did most of your money go? Paying off my Citibank credit card (yey!) and other bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? There’s always something new to look forward to each day.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? Bonnie Bailey’s Ever After, hands down!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? Happier

Thinner or fatter? Fatter (ugh!)

Richer or poorer? Richer in every sense of the word

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Exerting more effort at work. Honestly, I need a temporary change of environment.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Eating!

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Spent Christmas morning and afternoon with my family, evening with very special people.

21. Did you fall in love in 2005? Yes!

22. How many one-night stands? I’d rather be a virgin than do that.

23. What was your favorite TV program? During free time, I’d watch those culinary shows at the Discovery Travel and Living Channel. Jamie Oliver in particular is a fascinating cook.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Oh yeah.

25. What was the best book you read? Sun Tzu’s The Art of War helped me sharpen my analytical skills for work-related projects. On the lighter side, The Wedding of Cathy and Irving (a comic strip compilation by illustrator and creator Cathy Guisewite) is such a cutie that I keep reading it.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Reacquainted myself with the Beatles and the Beach Boys. Still have a taste for rock and I’ve begun to detach myself from R&B as it has been predominantly hiphop-laced. I may be a musically old soul as most of my collection these days is comprised of favorite tunes from the 60s, 70s and 80s.

27. What did you want and get? A new cell phone. A better office plantilla item. A second chance at happiness.

28. What did you want and not get? A much higher salary. Some people at work to get off my back and stop making up stories to make me popular conversation material (aka tsismis).

29. What was your favorite film of this year? I admit to watching only three movies this year: A Lot of Love, Batman Begins and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I didn’t like Goblet.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Had the usual celebratory lunches and dinners on my 28th birthday last year.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Involving myself in more socially relevant activities outside the office, utilizing my writing skills in other projects

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Still partial to denim but leaning towards short skirts and feminine blouses. Sandals rule!

33. What kept you sane? Faith in God

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Ashton Kutcher, Christian Bale, Richard Gutierrez … hehehe!

35. What political issue stirred you the most? Working for the government has sustained my immunity on such topics.

36. Who did you miss? Friends!

37. Who was the best new person you met? Luv, who I got reacquainted with in 2005

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005. Life is definitely a box of chocolates: you never know what you’re gonna get!

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your 2005.

Because life is a pleasure with you by my side
And there ain’t no current in this river we can’t ride
- Ever After (Bonnie Bailey)

There's Always a First Time

2006-02-16T17:12:00.000+08:00

The best gift from my favorite niece

Valentine's Day 2006 goes down in my personal history book as the first time I truly celebrated an overly commercialized occasion in a simple yet meaningful way ... with a tangible someone, take note.

I'm just really happy. And I look forward to many more of this in the future that beckons (am I still suffering from a "hangover" or what?).

I hope Hearts' Day was just as great for you all.

*****

By the way, just saw this from Via's site. Heehee. How I wish this were true!

Life's Ironies

2006-02-06T14:20:00.000+08:00

What was supposed to be an ordinary, peaceful Saturday turned out to be tragic.

By now, I'm sure all of you have tuned in the news and read the papers about the Stampede That Could Have Been Avoided. I'm particularly affected because it happened at a venue I held office in exactly a year ago. I've spoken with people who were at the vicinity when it happened and I can imagine the horror and shock of seeing it unfold first hand.

Finger pointing on who should be held liable for the incident will surely go on for the next few days. Lest I be charged with libel if this site be chanced upon, the party responsible for all this is pretty obvious. There is obvious desperation to save some asses and assets (yes, you read it right) aside from maintaining a so-called image being projected towards the people. I hope that it already stops using the tradtional appeal to sympathy in language speak to mask what is intermitently the truth behind what happened that day.

It's sick how some can actually take advantage of such a sorry situation. Again, I won't list these in detail as you know them already. It's just crazy, sad and pitiful that the masses have to bear the brunt of it all and are led to believe that their lives could be improved by a single shot at instant fortune.

True, it isn't bad to dream. But you've also gotta work to get what you want. It just doesn't come flying smack on your lap. Nothing in this world actually comes for free, honey.

True, the government is still trying to find ways to alleviate poverty in this country. But at the same time, majority of our populace wouldn't be dirt poor if our society had a stable and upright values system that doesn't allow anyone to just sit around, beg for alms and wait in line for dole-outs to feed families.

True, you can earn a living by catering to people's wants for entertainment. But you don't take advantage of others and their vulnerability to earn your much coveted millions in cash.

Yes, self-interest, materialism and greed triggered Saturday's fatal melee once again. And people should know that social, fiscal and legal responsibilities towards your fellowmen are actually not supposed to be ignored as you work on your fortune and fame.

And I can't agree more with Messrs. Conrado de Quiros and Rene Cruz' thoughts on that fateful Saturday.

Soju Saturday

2006-01-30T09:14:00.000+08:00

Carlyn and I had a lovely Korean dinner at Minato (actually a very cozy and intimate Korean-Japanese sushi/sashimi resto behind the University of Asia and the Pacific in Pasig City) last Saturday. Upon Carlyn's invitation for some soju (a Korean sweet potato-based alcoholic beverage), I was eager to go out with a non-office friend for the first time in more than a month!

While waiting for the prime grub, we were served six types of appetizers for free. I gobbled up the leafy greens with sesame which had my kind of taste: not spicy. I barely tasted the two sayote dishes (I don't like the vegetable, only its leaves) and got the milder tasting potato pieces (a few had green chili slices embedded in them, another no-no for me). I tasted the two kimchi (Korean spicy pickled veggies) samplings which, again, were too strong for this eater.

The kimchi pancake which was supposed to be an appetizer came together with our main dishes (seafood and leeks pancake, and a chicken with spring onion and leeks viand you place in lettuce leaves with a special sauce-- kind of like lumpia). The orange-tinged patty tasted more bearable, yet I preferred to eat the viands with steaming plain rice. The chicken was really good; the pancake superb, thin yet filling.

Into the middle of our dinner, the much raved (by Carlyn) soju arrived at our table. Chilled and sealed, it looks tame at first. But once you take a shot, ahh ... there's the rub as Shakespeare wrote. You can drink the soju mixed with lime (like gin) or take cold straight shots (like tequila, which we did). Carlyn told me that the first time she tried it, she had only a shot. Upon my prodding, we had three each. We could've finished the bottle (equivalent to a single serving of good old San Miguel beer) but Carlyn preferred not to take a fourth dig at the soju. Understandable as it was strong with a lingering kick afterwards. But it was pretty good, and I'd like to take a swing at it again.

For a total bill of almost Php1,000.00 (3 bottles of soju at Php180.00 each), it was worth the trip indeed.

This carnivore wants to go back to Minato and try the marinated beef with straw mushrooms soon. Slurp!

Baguio Quickie

2006-01-23T08:44:00.000+08:00

Camp John Hay Manor: where I (luckily!) stayed for two nights

I'm still in a daze from my almost three-day Baguio trip. Wasn't able to go around much (too little time). Wasn't able to buy much (due to lack of funds). Wasn't able to sleep much (not what some of you green minds may think). Wasn't able to feel the cold much (it wasn't very chilly, just enough to make me forget Manila's humidity for a while).

In a nutshell, I was there purely for work beginning 10:00 pm Wednesday (office strategic planning workshop, a 41-page Powerpoint slide file I had to re-edit at 2:00 am Thursday morning, about eight hours before presentation). Could've made the most out of being away from Manila but had to go down from the City of Pines at 4:00 pm Friday via Kennon Road of all routes (necessary pit stop at Shell Urdaneta to heave after a 45-minute ride with sharp turns at fast speed). Was back in Manila by 10:00 pm, ate a late dinner at Hap Chang's Harrison Plaza Square branch before getting some much needed sleep (which I still got on Saturday and Sunday-- by force).

The workshop was okay; its objectives were definitely achieved. It also served as an eye-opener for most of its participants. My boss was able to explain the ongoing Rationalization process without meeting vehement reactions and objections (which was actually puzzling, if you ask me). And on Thursday night, it was spirits galore. Four gin sprites were enough to perk me up. Could've drunk more if Joey hadn't pointed out that I was turning lobster red at breakneck speed.

It wasn't a vacation alright, but I still got away from the city's hustle and bustle for some time. I realize that I do need a longer break from work (most probably during Holy Week in three months' time) and I want it badly.

Thank goodness for lengua de gato cookies, fresh strawberries and cream, crunchy sayote tips with tomatoes, onions and fish bagoong, and button mushrooms (slurp!) or I would've lost my sanity back there. :)

Another Threshold Reached

2006-01-17T13:57:00.000+08:00

This may sound unfair for him, but I think I've broken my tolerance point.

No, it's not due to his character (which is mostly what I want in a man), habits (nothing to complain about in that area), work (this I completely can relate to and understand), family (an aspect I can't debate with), religion (he's Catholic like me-- a personal rule on my part), lifestyle (he doesn't do illegal drugs or gamble, which is a relief) or opinions (this normally has some differences which can be managed).

I realized however that he still has personal issues to solve-- more aptly, to get over with.

I wish I could go more into detail on what these are in particular. However, for the sake of protecting him and myself, I can't delve into them here. A few really close friends of mine know about this though, and they're unaware of this sudden development until now (as they read this, that is).

I've been extremely patient and understanding with him dealing with certain things that have altered his life's course the past few months. And believe me, I've exhausted every plausible effort to keep our relationship afloat despite this.

But things come to a point where you find yourself tired of dealing with it and coasting along while pretending that nothing is wrong. It's not another person per se, but more of a memory that continues to haunt him-- even if he tries hard to get over it, it just comes rolling back and gets him down which results in everything around him getting affected, including me.

One thing I was hesitant about before entering this relationship was the now-undeniable fact that things just happened too fast. I was overwhelmed by it, eager to jump into a new experience with someone who I thought would give me the world. While I had ended a four-year dalliance just a short time back, I was ready for this. And I thought he was. Now I reckon that I should have trusted my instincts and let it flow naturally instead of jumping into it.

And unfortunately, yesterday brought me back into reality. We didn't scathingly argue or something like that. It was just yesterday having a significant meaning for him that even I cannot and will never be able to top.

He's the perfect gentleman, a responsible man. But I can't live trying to reconcile myself with someone else's past.

I may be coming off selfish, immature, unreasonable, radical ... but I'm tired to crying myself to sleep every night for the past week. I know that love entails sacrifice and understanding, giving yourself wholeheartedly without really considering what you can get from it. But I need to look out for myself too, and I can't go on feeling this way.

I love him. I really do. I've never been loved as much as he has done so. But I need to love myself more as well.

Will I stay with him so that we can make this work, or should I go? I dread the end result of all this at this point.

Bank Hell

2006-01-16T15:05:00.000+08:00

Just arrived from Union Bank at GSIS Pasay after almost two hours of sheer agony and frustration. I really don't see how they (and other banks) claim that banking is at its best. Seriously, if it eats up your time due to turtle-paced and bureaucratically-laced service, you're bound to have the rest of your day in a not-so-good note.

For one, their two ATM machines were being serviced when I fell in line (and I was like the 16th person waiting to withdraw money). I had to wait for about 15 minutes for one machine to start up (luckily it was the counter I was lined up at), then another almost 30 minutes to withdraw my payment for a credit card which unfortunately can only be paid through Union Bank.

When I got in the bank, I was given a number to wait for my turn at the teller. I was #53, it was then #24 that was being attended to. There were three teller counters but only two were manned (which I really don't understand why almost all banks I transact at are like this). After a smoke, it was still at #29. So you can imagine how restless and irritated I was until I got to go in front for my transaction.

Now I understand why online banking is more convenient than having to line up. Then again, nothing beats personalized service (which our office's PNB branch handles very well, probably because our payroll accounts are based there) that assures you of safety and security.

Can banks just have all their teller counters filled up so as not to compromise customers' time?

Total Re-Haul

2006-01-09T10:51:00.000+08:00

I need to ...

1. Really lose weight this time. Like at least 20 lbs.

2. Have my hair re-straightened and not as frizzy as Bogs claims in his Friendster testimonial for me.

3. Build up a better office wash day and gimmick evening wardrobe, specifically more girly blouses and denim pants.

4. Go back to my derma for some much-needed A/S and maintenance.

5. Get the nerve to finally visit an OB-G and have a check-up.

6. Return to a sport I love for exercise: swimming or badminton. Or maybe ...

7. Take a dance class as I find work-outs boring. No gym-looking interiors and equipment for me.

8. Meet up with more of my friends. I'd really like to see the college people in particular.

9. See the dentist and get these nicotine stains off my two front teeth.

10. Make sure I get to do all these before the lazy bug gets to me.

My December In Pictures

2006-01-05T10:02:00.000+08:00

14 December 2005: About 300 children danced their way through the audience's hearts during the 3rd ASEAN Para Games opening. Lea Salonga was there too, but I wasn't able to take her pic while she was performing.
21 December 2005: On our way to the NBN-4 studios for my boss' television interview, we took the C-5/Katipunan/UP/QC Memorial Circle route. I just had to take a pic of my favorite school of all time's entrance for sentimental reasons.
23 December 2005: Our office Christmas tree was created from surplus mineral water stocks (SEAG leftovers), poinsettias from National Bookstore and sports balls. You wouldn't want to know what was used as the "star" (hint: very phallic!).
23 December 2005: With Milo and Alex during our office Christmas party, after a hearty gastronomic feast and doses of red wine, San Miguel Light beer (which I didn't touch) and Hennessey XO. Can you tell who went home drunk (clue: it wasn't me)?

What Really Happened in 2005

2006-01-03T10:33:00.000+08:00

My first workweek for 2006 seemed to start off the wrong note. Oops. I forgot that I wasn't supposed to blog about the office for now. Hehe.

Anyway, I suddenly went into retrospect last night and recalled the significant things that happened to me the past year:

1. I ventured less into technical writing and research; and more into operations and administrative functions. I admit though that I miss whacking my brain off for important reports and presentations.

2. I must be the only employee in my agency to have been the subject of four Office Orders. It's difficult being "in demand", har har (yeah sure ...)!

3. I became part of what may unarguably be the best department in my agency. Suffice it to say that being a "superpower" group caused quite an amount of talk among the populace.

4. I finally got appointed to a permanent item.

5. I got a life-changing haircut I never even dreamed of trying two years back.

6. It was the year that my social circle got smaller ... yet the friends who really matter are still around.

7. My parents have given me more leeway to do the things I want. The word curfew is suddenly extinct in their vocabulary, except in major family events (of course).

8. I ended a relationship that should have never even been considered when it happened four years ago. It was painful to do so. But the man concerned and I are still friends.

9. I entered another relationship. This time, it is more difficult to manage. But I learned more about myself and how I relate to others in this case. And I am thankful that Luv is always there for me.

10. 2005 was the first year that I actually ended with liquid assets (read: more than enough cash to handle). And I still haven't used a penny as of this minute.

*****

On the lighter side of things, I received some new CDs during the holidays to bide idle time and refresh my ears. Stuff to smile about, if I may add.

1. Madonna's Confessions On A Dance Floor. Hanep siya, mga friends. Enough said.

2. The Essential Michael Jackson. I am particularly partial to the first of two CDs in this set due to songs with his fellow Jackson Five siblings.

3. Orange And Lemons' Strike Whilst The Iron Is Hot. Ricky (our fabulous EA) actually gave this to me after using this for an office function with the PGMA. The more popular songs (yes, including that Pinoy Big Brother theme) are in the bonus CD, but Joey got it as he's to use this for his musical project (I wonder what).

Ten Things for 2006

2005-12-29T12:16:00.000+08:00

In three days, we're waking up to the Year of the Red Dog (Chinese Zodiac). I haven't really gotten the most out of the Christmas holidays and here goes another 365 1/4 days to reckon with.

It's common for most of us to make New Year's resoultions in hopes of becoming better people. I used to have this written list every year, but I stopped doing so when I realized that I kept breaking them.

But this year, I've made a list of Ten Things to Do for 2006. It's in the same rationale of making resolutions. Aside from obviously not using the term, these are what I really have to do to keep my sanity and make life a tad easier to handle.

1. I will lessen blogging about work. The negative stuff about it, to be precise. But if something good happens in the office and it's worth sharing with you, then I shall put it here.

2. I will be more conscious with my finances and really start saving up. I've been a delinquent savings account holder. Better resurrect from dormancy. I wonder if having more money than usual at the end of this year is a good sign.

3. I will be more diligent in paying bills on time so that I avoid inconveniencing myself and other people.

4. I will try to quit smoking. If unsuccessful, lessening my nicotine intake drastically will do.

5. I will lose weight this year. And I need to fit back into my old favorite clothes.

6. I will be a better friend and make extra effort to see you all when occasions arise.

7. I will be a better employee and more consencious of time, resources and taxpayers' money that pay public servants like me.

8. I will be a better daughter and more considerate and visible to my parents.

9. Since I've returned to churchgoing (well, it's a start), I will focus more on being a good, diligent Catholic.

10. One aspect I should work on: I will work on being a more mature, understanding, considerate, unselfish, affectionate and loving girlfriend. Enough said.

Advanced Happy New Year, peeps. Another year of blogging beckons. Thanks for keeping in blog.

The Christmas I Didn't Want It To Be

2005-12-27T09:54:00.000+08:00

Before I start with the yakking, belated Merry Christmas. Hope your holidays were far off better than mine.

The past weekend was a rude awakening for me. Not in terms of material gifts, commercialism or finances (in this aspect, it was a good Yuletide for me). In fact, last minute shopping was a breeze except for the long wait to have my nephew Miguel's gift wrapped at Rustan's Shangri-la Plaza.

This was the Christmas I realized how selfish and cruel I could be towards the people I love.

If you (bother to) look back at my December 16 post, I mentioned that Luv and I have been managing rough seas. I hadn't discussed it with him for fear of a major argument and thought to let it pass until things between us were better.

Christmas morning started off on a wrong note. Over the phone, I made this comment (out of concern) on his medication which turned out to be a broken record on his part as many others have previously told him that. I thought he had raised his voice at me again (he said he didn't), so I cut our talk short and started crying. Sent him a long SMS message on how bad I felt, considering that it was Christmas Day, particularly our first as a couple. Suffice it to say that our following conversations that day were bordering more on civility.

There was this tapas and wine dinner to attend that night. Of course, we were to go together. Prior to being picked up from home, I texted him to request that he be "gentler" with me for the rest of the evening as I didn't want further arguments. We were practically not speaking to each other in the car enroute to our dinner.

When we got to the dinner at 7 pm, Luv and the dinner hostess (a very good friend of his) started talking and catching up on each other. I preferred to listen, smiling and nodding when being spoken to. I had also started on some really good California red wine which was stronger than the other varieties I usually take.

The third guest (a common friend of ours) arrived more than an hour later. According to Luv, my demeanor suddenly changed that instant. Must have been the wine, but I was suddenly talkative, more opinionated than usual. And yes, I was still speaking to everyone but him.

Near midnight, some callos, melba toast with gourmet cheese spreads (yummy!) and a bottle of red wine (yes, Luv estimated that the rest of us there had a bottle each. Apparently he was checking on my intake?) later, I was undeniably drunk. Love was already the topic of dissertation by then. The dinner hostess was musing on her new widowhood, while our common friend was insisting that his homosexuality leaves him with no choice but to give his all despite knowing that he has a greater chance of growing old alone.

As for me, I stressed my current sentiments regarding my relationship with Luv. While the others may have presumed that I was expressing a general view (then again, they are quick-witted people and must have gotten the hint), Luv knew I was referring to him. And what I said most probably struck him with a bolt (I'm translating it into sanitized English here as I get very fluent ... and vulgar ... in Tagalog when under the influence of alcoholic spirits):

"I used to think that love was free-flowing and unselfish. But I got hurt the first time. Now I want to save a part of myself while loving someone else. It hurts to think that sometimes I don't get the assurance I need to keep on going. It's discouraging to stay on when the things you do for that person seem unappreciated and that he gives credence to others while I am around. I try to understand and keep up but my efforts seem to fall short. There are instances I'd rather enter a convent and stay single for the rest of my life."

A moment of silence within the group followed. Then our common friend started disagreeing with my statement (maybe he does know about my relationship with Luv, though it's still hush-hush), stressing that I was being selfish, while the dinner hostess started giving a piece of her mind on it. As for Luv, he just sat there listening while sipping his Coke Light (he was the only sober person then).

On the way home, Luv asked how I was feeling. Of course I was obviously drunk.

Luv: Sleep through it so you'll feel better. Take something liquid or cold when you get home.

Me: My mind's too flooded with various thoughts to be able to sleep through a hangover such as this.

Luv: I know, you said them all a while ago. I was there.

Further minute of silence. As we approached my place ...

Luv: I may not be vocal about it, but I love you.

I didn't respond, just nodded and handed him his new Beatles Let It Be ... Naked double CD (my Christmas gift for him) as he kissed me before I alighted from the car.

Yesterday he was unusually quiet. Last night's conversation nailed it. He asked me if I remembered what I was saying during the dinner, I said I did. He then asked if I remembered swearing at him, I replied that I wasn't doing so.

Luv: You did. And you said that you were giving up, letting go.

Me: I didn't mean that. I was just really upset over what's been happening the past weeks. It didn't help that we were constantly at odds. We have our own personal troubles to fix. But we're not helping each other overcome them. And at times I just feel inadequate, incapable, unappreciated as your partner.

Luv: I know where you're coming from. I understand. It's okay. All I'm asking is for you to have a wider understanding of things.

Me: Are you angry at me for saying all that?

Luv: No. It's just that you came to a very solid conclusion. When you're drunk, you tend to say what's really in your mind. And you were very firm when you said those things.

I suddenly felt worse that the scum that feeds on the pus of the fungus. What made it graver was that he wasn't angry, but being the very honest, accepting and understanding man he is.

Me: How can you put up with my being an insensitive, bratty, immature bitch?

Luv: I'm just here. I accept, I understand. Because I love you.

F**k, I must have added to his worst Christmas indeed.

But as a result of my drunken tirade, I learned that being in a relationship is indeed a two-way bumpy street. And it doesn't allow me to focus on myself alone. I do need to grow up after all.

Why is always that you tend to hurt the one you love the most without realizing so until it's too late?

My 2005 in Blog

2005-12-19T12:05:00.001+08:00

Jay posted something similar in his blog. Come to think of it, it's better to do this early before the holiday-related mush sets in here. :)

Post two (2) sentences from each month of this year on blog and you have your year in review. Here's mine:

January:

Cursed work, cursed politics, cursed f***sh** indeed. It's running my life and taking away the little things I cherish on my own.

February:

Being in a room amidst chirping birds, trees and virtually no unnecessary noise for nine hours each day drove me crazy the first few days since I was so used to the hustle and bustle of Malate.

I am proud to be a Chorale girl, especially since it was my home within Assumption in high school.

March:

Sometimes I think karma lets its way into my life because of this (read: not getting everything I want and work hard for). But I then think, no, these things don't come my way because they aren't meant to be just yet.

April:

I am in fact a non-practicing and imperfect Catholic. But despite my doubts on the Catholic faith and how I deal with it, I hold tremendous respect for the Church and I value my unique relationship with God.

May:

I think I'd rather be the girl he loves with all honesty, pride and might than be the one he just marries for the sake of being married. I don't need marriage per se to have a "happy ever after" with the man of my dreams.

June:

I know there's more in store for me at work. It's quite frightening, but I'm ready.

July:

I miss being one of the boys.

I also believe that death is never the end-- but a new beginning for everyone to live in the grace of love and happiness.

August:

This weekend, I made a crucial decision that will surely change the way my life will progress in the next few weeks at least ... maybe even in its entire span.

But I am eagerly looking forward to something poised to be steadier and possibly lasting.

September:

I never meant to assume someone else's role in their lives. I don't intend to and I never will.

October:

It's a lifetime to look forward and prepare myself for, because I've accepted that this is my life for now.

It's just now I learn about how it is to be really in a relationship.

November:

Nevertheless, he remains a significant part of my life, and we will always have something to laugh about and reminisce on that made us who, how and why we are such today.

Now I understand why my coupled friends look at it this way.

December:

I've got quite a work-related hangover that I want to break free from for the rest of this month. I may look forward to it, but it's still hard to believe that Christmas is just around the corner.

Or Is It Just Me?

2005-12-16T12:32:00.001+08:00

Luv and I seem to be on different plateaus these past few days. For some reason, irritation towards each other seems to set in easier than it should. I'm aware that he's been going through some personal pressure and that I ought to be understanding and patient about it. But I also feel that I've been the receiving end of all his stress; napagbubuntungan ng init ng ulo as they say in local lingo. It's not of the physical kind, don't worry. But I just get more of the tirades than others around him, even when they should be the ones receiving these.

It also seems that his needs have to come first before mine. While he does pamper and spoil me (especially when we were just "new"), he's been making a fuss that I don't take care of him as much as he wants to. It's crazy: I try to do something for him and he'd usually correct me for being slow or doing things differently than he's been accustomed to. And now he complains of this and my being "argumentative" when all I'm doing is to reason out as gently as possible, even when I've become extremely ticked off.

Because of this, I've been feeling a small amount of resentment towards him. We do talk everyday and see each other regularly, but instead of reassuring him that things will go smoothly and that it's just the holiday rush that's making him antsy, I'd rather just keep quiet and take it all in stride.

I realized that this wasn't the best solution on the way home last night. He mentioned that he had an upset stomach and wanted to go home early. He didn't want to take any medicine for relief. He was driving really fast, overtaking as many cars as possible. Unfortunately, traffic near my place was in a standstill and he was getting antsy.

Guess what he did? He dropped me off at the nearest point where I could take a trike to my place because he couldn't bear the traffic (oh, did I mention earlier that he hates being stuck in a road jam?). I repeat: he dropped me off at a corner where I could take a trike enroute to my house.

I had a so-so day at work (he knew this very well) and this was what I got last night. He didn't even apologize and had the nerve to tell me to take care on the way home. I just looked at him, went out of the car and slammed the door. I knew he wasn't feeling well. But hell, I wouldn't even do that to him if I were in his place that time.

I had a good 15-minute walk from Shaw Boulevard to the condo. I could've ridden a trike but decided not to, opting instead for a brisk walk that I haven't done in ages. Had two sticks of Mild Seven Lights along the way just to pacify myself from bursting due to the "negative" feelings I've kept to myself these past few weeks.

Do I have reason to be upset? Or am I just being the unfair bitch I'm known to be when provoked?

Homecoming

2005-12-12T15:29:00.000+08:00

I caught my high school glee club's annual concert two nights ago on our campus, specifically at the newly-refurbished Mother Rose Auditorium (used to be Mother Rose Hall for us Old Girls). It was the first time the glee club staged a concert there; most years past had us at Equitable-PCI Bank's Francisco Santiago Hall). I was surprised to see how pretty and alive it looked from Denis Court at nighttime. I felt cheated that it wasn't like this when I was still studying there.

I was more surprised to see the hall's new interiors. Stage curtains are now blue (they used to be red). There are even new balcony side seats on the second floor (wasn't able to take a pic of these though). Everything was brand new, even the lighting. Well, maybe except for backstage which I saw later in the evening when the alumnae joined the current glee club batch onstage.

Speaking of the current glee club batch (some of who encountered me during the last concert almost a year ago), I commend them for working so hard to stage a good production despite lack of support (I know I shouldn't really write about this here, but I learned that the school administration made the group PAY for use of the concert venue. It's really frigging crazy: having a high school org settle rental dues when other groups got to stage shows there for free.).

The girls looked really cute, sounded cute, danced and acted cute ... just like how regular high school ladies should. Hehehe. Omigosh ... I was actually once like them. I can't imagine it now.
Most of my friends know that I don't have much good memories of high school except for carpooling with Via and Frannie as a pre-schooler, my set of friends then and of course, the glee club. The glee club in particular is one reason why I go back to my high school: it was everything for me.

As the girls' last song for the evening goes:

Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough to keep me from you ....

Visual Mementos Amidst a Hangover

2005-12-10T14:26:00.000+08:00

These Gilas the SEAG mascot plated figurines were on sale at SM before the games began.
This was one dinner during the SEAG madness that I truly appreciated. After watching Arvin Ting win a gold medal for Wushu, Joey, Ginio and I went Japanese. There was just so much sushi. As usual, I had the ebi (shrimp) and shake (salmon) all to myself.
Billiards was one of two events I got to watch up close during the games. It was frigging freezing inside the Makati Coliseum. Nevertheless, eight RP golds in this sport wasn't bad at all.
The Muay finals at GSIS Gymnasium. Roland Claro won the gold for RP in this match against his Thai opponent. Two other golds came our way, one courtesy of singer Viktoria and her partner in the Women's Wai Kru event.
Muay is combat boxing while Wai Kru takes the form of a ceremonial dance depicting Thais' daily way of life. Our RP men's duo won a silver in this event, the two women's pairs meanwhile struck gold.
The overall 23rd SEAG overall championship and 113 gold medals later, Team Philippines is feted no less by Her Excellency (can you see her standing in this photo?). Now if only the government would raise our annual budget (don't bother asking how much or you will just double up in laughter).

*****

I've barely recovered from SEAG yet the ASEAN Para Games start in four days.

I still have pending work for SEAG yet here I go assuming protocol functions for the Para Games.

In case you're not familiar with it, the Para Games features sports events to be participated in by differently-abled (disabled in more common parlance) athletes from the same nations that join the SEAG biennally. And such competitions are also held after the Asian and Olympic Games.

Anyway, the Para Games will just be a week's worth of more manageable stress. There are still minor things to fix but I reckon that it will be smoother sailing this time around.

On 22 December, I am free to resume my social life. I can't wait to see my friends and I can finally shop for gifts for the family and Luv (hmmm, I wonder what he's got in store for us this Christmas).

I've got quite a work-related hangover that I want to break free from for the rest of this month. I may look forward to it, but it's still hard to believe that Christmas is just around the corner.

Settling Back to Normalcy

2005-12-05T21:24:00.000+08:00

We triumphed and are now rejoicing. At the same time, it means closing another chapter in my so-called crazy career of sorts.

I feel high after some seafood, lechon paksiw and San Mig Light. I now feel so relaxed as I now understand what really entails the work that was assigned to me a few weeks back. It proves to be another lesson learned. I actually survived the pressure (thanks to a ream of Winston Lights spread throughout ten days, some tears out of frustration and good nights of sleep). I'm still alive and kicking!

I look forward to hitting bed earlier than the past days' time. Tomorrow I couldn't care a cahoot about coming in work a little bit late. Right now I need to get a grip on some normalcy, even if it's just for about a week.

The night is young ... and I'm geared up for it, Luv! ;-P

Winding Down

2005-12-03T14:38:00.000+08:00

The SEAG is ending in two days. While there is still work to be done after the closing ceremonies, it wouldn't be as taxing as erstwhile preparations for the event. I'm just glad that it's ending.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and didn't like what I saw. Sure, I lost some weight; but acne, heavy eyelids and dark circles around my eyes aren't exactly flattering. Stress has definitely taken its toll on my well-being and my current physical disposition reflects it. I wanted to take a few days off the office beginning next Tuesday, but the financial aspect of the project will keep me cloistered within our admin. building to finish terminal reports, liquidate cash advances and settle delegates' billeting accounts.

I badly need acne surgery from my derma. I have to have a foot spa and pedicure. I want to sleep through one whole day and not think about papers and accounting. I wish that I could have enough rest before embarking on the next project which is 11 days away.

I want to settle all that needs to be fixed with this SEAG and wind down sooner than possible.

*****

On the other hand, there is reason for me to be happy and rewarded for the past three weeks' worth of work, papers, prepaid phone credits and tears. Click here to find out.

Cheers to all who supported the home team. Never mind some parliamentary accusations of a "rigged" games. We did our best without any extraordinary aid.

Fuzzy

2005-11-30T16:13:00.000+08:00

Despite the work that has to be accomplished until next week, I feel better now. Except for some minor glitches regarding Subic (it's something not worth narrating in full), the pace is more relaxed. We're doing good medal-wise and hope this goes on until the closing on Monday.

I look forward to the evenings for an unusual reason. It's something I've never experienced or felt in my entire life until now. Now I understand why my coupled friends look at it this way.

It's comforting to end the day just relaxing and being with someone. It feels great to talk, laugh and be silly without feeling self-conscious about it. It is special to fall asleep in someone's arms and wake up the following morning still beside that person. And yes, you don't need sex to say that you've slept with someone.

No, I'm not "living in" with him-- I wish we were. But I do find mornings very different when I see him get ready for the day. It's amazing how you really know your other half through his habits, idiosyncrasies and preferences when you two stay in a place on your own. It can be amusing, irritating, shocking, surprising, tempting (hehe!) ... yet the bottomline is that prior impressions are altered and his real personality comes out.

I do miss home. But I'll miss him more when I have to return to my parents' abode. It won't be the same as kissing him goodnight and waking up the next morning together.

The Games Have Begun

2005-11-28T11:54:00.000+08:00

Courtesy of Philippine Daily Inquirer

The fireworks were lovely, though I think the presentation wasn't worth its budget.

The next eight days is a test of mettle for everyone involved in this event. It will take the Philippines another 12 years before we host this again. By then, I hope everything will be smoother and prepared better.

Nevertheless, it is a perfect opportunity for us to show our best.

Go Pilipinas!

PS. I miss blogging about other things. Unfortunately, these are not in my current realm of consciousness.

Stuff to Smile About

2005-11-24T13:55:00.000+08:00

I'm not using my postpaid mobile line from tomorrow until 21 December as it has been too costly to coordinate with people and not having the office pay for my mobile phone bill. As such, I was forced to purchase a new Globe prepaid SIM pack, this one I lose count as to my ownership of these (I think my friends know this more than I do).

Anyway, I'd been long wanting to get a Globe prepaid number beginning with the 0917 numerical prefix. Stocks of this first batch was last released about two years ago. I even had a number from this series (253.1189) four years ago but I lost the SIM card along with another Smart prepaid SIM card the year after.

Since then, I had been in a quest for another number from this series. Most establishments don't sell this series anymore: recent series out in the market include prepaid numbers starting with 0906, 0907, 0915, 0916, 0926 and 0927. I've put off buying a Globe prepaid SIM for years for this reason. I've even asked friends with old 0917 prepaid numbers to sell their SIM cards to me (this however was a failed endeavor).

Yesterday, I decided to buy a new prepaid SIM pack. Boss Joey also wanted a Globe prepaid number ending with the numeral 8 (it's his personal thing). So off I went to the Mall Near Work to buy two Globe prepaid SIM packs. I was bent on rather getting 0915's as they looked and sounded better (my personal thing).

And surprise ... a small stall was selling 0917 prepaid packs, one with a good numeral 8-laden combination that I was sure Joey would prefer. However, these packs were sold for P200.00 each, P50 more than the available SIM packs. Oh, what the heck. This was for me a gem of a errand.

Now I need to get a second-hand mobile phone unit. And don't worry non-work friends, my postpaid line stays put.

*****

It's been very difficult and tiring to go home late at night recently. So I was very much relieved when I found out that I could already check in a nearby hotel tomorrow night until the SEAG's end. Now I've to pack my things for a good twelve days away from home, but it's no sweat compared to the work I've been doing the past weeks.

I'll miss my bed and CD player though. Can't have your share of cake all the time, I guess.

I Need to Purge Here

2005-11-22T13:17:00.000+08:00

Yes, I am in another bout of tension and nerves here in the office. It seems that many people don't understand how toxic things have been for the past weeks.

Suddenly, I feel so dumb, that I've screwed up things. I try to get my things in order, believe me. It's just so difficult to manage them. I have my staff to do the field work, but still I'm tied to other major obligations.

When friends found out about this current task, most could only shake their heads in disbelief and offer their condolences for the difficult work ahead of me (trust me, it's a committee no decent human being should be assigned to).

I know, I'm still whining about this. I'm really sorry. It's just that I can't verbally tattle on this to people, particularly since the one I depend on psychological and emotional support is himself overwhelmed with his work.

I'm beginning to hate this, but I should keep focus. Pray for me please!

New Look

2005-11-21T08:17:00.000+08:00

This blog's supposed to have a pictorial background, but apparently my old settings have left their mark on my base template, so the color's still the same as the old lay-out's, but the text is formatted on a eye-friendlier text style and the contents have more or less a more uniform look.

I'm pretty happy with the new look (which I did to purge myself from work-related stress), but I'm not sure if this post will come out with my requisite one-line space between paragraph (am too lazy to edit all previous texts to insert spaces between their paragraphs). I wish I knew how to change templates without it affecting lay-outs of previous posts onscreen.

Anyway, six days to go before the Big Disaster of an Event and we're barely surviving with the sudden requirements we suddenly have to comply for the team which in the first place was supposed to have been fixed by other entities I'd rather not mention.

Confronting another minor glitch regarding preparations at this minute. Yeesh.

P.S.: Alych, nice to have seen you last night. Sorry for being late though. That was good crepes we had back there, by the way.

Lackluster Magic

2005-11-20T10:41:00.000+08:00

I had to take a breather from work and catch up with my movie viewing (the last flick I saw in the cineplex was Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith), so I tagged along with Apple and Reynard to catch the last full show of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire at The Fort's Metro Metro.

I had read the book and loved it, not minding the enormous number of pages I had to browse through to grasp the story. Coupled with the cinematic accuracy of the first three books when these were brought to life on the silver screen, I was looking forward to see Goblet. But through the middle of the film (approximately two hours running time), I was getting disillusioned with it for the following reasons:

1. Some related yet vital parts in the book were omitted in the movie, which somehow contributed to the screenplay's incoherent flow. Clue: let's just say that you won't be seeing any elves this time around.

2. The book plot's on Rita Skeeter could've been omitted all together from the film version. She appears as a nosy, sensationalism-capitalizing journalist, yet the movie fails to explain her presence in the flashback court scene and its significance in the story-- which in contrast was presented thoroughly in print.

3. I wouldn't have minded a three-hour-long Potter movie as long as the storyline and inter-relation of storylines were as clear as crystal. Two hours wasn't enough for magic to weave its way through this viewer's heart. Too much shortcuts to the end in this case.

4. Those who haven't read the book will find this particular segment of the seven-part series confusing and full of loopholes to fill. Reynard (who didn't read Goblet) commented on the way home that if we (Apple and I) found it "lacking in its original essence", some parts of the movie weren't very clear to him-- and most probably to other non-Potter readers who haven't watched or plan to see it.

5. Yes, the movie was fast-paced, but The Prisoner of Azkhaban's visual and special effects are still to beat.

6. I still think Alfonso Cuaron is the best director for the Potter movie series.

Nevertheless, do watch it-- Harry, Ron and Hermoine are still as spunky as ever. And Ralph Fiennes actually fit the role of Lord Thou-Shall-Not-Be-Named to a T.

I just hope The Order of the Phoenix will be waaaaayyyyy better than this one.

Feeling Heavy and Ugly

2005-11-17T12:17:00.000+08:00

My current dominion.

Have you been so swamped with work that your head just feels like it weighs a ton and you feel so dragged?

Have you been too immersed in work that you unintentionally neglect other pertinent aspects and people in your everyday realm of existence?

Have you suddenly gained the urge to just drop everything and get away from the hustle and bustle in the hope that you may retain even just a tinge of your sanity?

Have you wanted to just smash up your work area and walk out of the office to take a fresh breath of air and settle yourself down amidst frustration and pressure?

Have you suddenly felt so dumb despite of others' opinion that you're the best (wo)man for the job?

Have you just felt so physically, psychologically, mentally and emotionally drained that when you get home, all you want to do to sleep?

Have you been in touch with most people mainly through SMS and mobile phone due to your unpredictable schedule despite wanting to see them-- to the point that you forget to respond to a missed call or text message?

This is the life I currently lead and will do so for a month. And should I not be able to update this blog as much as I usually do for that period, bear in mind that I'm just temporarily buried under a pile of papers and responsibilities.

Can't wait to end this madness. Am counting the days starting now ....

*****

I've never been this tense in my entire life. I've never felt so pressured in my entire career. And these days, people see the worst of me, sadly in a literal sense:

1. Face is breaking out again, the worst it has this calendar year.

2. Eyebags are getting bigger; undereye circles darker and more pronounced.

3. Hair is dry, badly needs a spa or hot oil treatment (which I wonder will be my free time to have these)

4. Stress has caused me to start nailbiting again. Ragged nails = harrased and stressed moi

5. Eyebrows are constantly raised or crinkled (depending on the situation at hand), not to mention unthreaded for the past weeks (eeew!)

6. Even fashion sense is affected: comfort is the current consideration over, uh, looking really girly.

All these reflect how I'm feeling right now; it sucks.

And This Is Merely Pre-Panic...

2005-11-09T09:39:00.000+08:00

Time is ticking so fast yet I still don't know how to fix my Team RP secretariat work at the soonest possible time without any frigging hitches.

Yesterday's pace at the office was a mere drop on the tongue. All committee heads had to present their action plans, various requirements and operational needs to the bosses. I felt so stumped when it was my turn. I did prepare what I had to get for my committee to work, but personnel requirements are a b*tch to complete. One prospective member backed out, only for me to find out that he chose to be in another committee. Based on information from an officemate, another prospective member (the first one I talked into being in my team) might not be with me after all-- her immediate superior at work prefers her to be with the PHILSOC instead (goddarn a**!) and she hasn't spoken to me about it yet. Meanwhile, another committee head (of the same group that Prospect #1 eventually joined) wants to get another person I chose for my committee. Good thing my satellite venue staffing is set. Ironically, it's the homebase I'm still having problems with.

It was also yesterday when I realized the brevity of my function in the secretariat. I've always been used to handling secretariat operations, the technical side of each project my agency instigates or is involved in. Administrative matters are not much of my forte, and it seems a bad idea to head something I'm not very familiar with. But as I was chosen to manage this particular committee, I couldn't refuse, though I did make clear that I was uncomfortable with it.

There's still so much to do: bookings, follow-up, directing my staff to fix other documents and particulars according to my instructions, securing a final budget, ensuring that my staff gets the necessary perks and benefits from this task, finalizing what needs to be done and making sure that the national team complies with each and every provision we enforce.

But these are nothing to my current office workload (which is also a b*tching burden right now as I have deadlines and there's too much in my hands at this point).

I'm stressed, worried, cranky, trying to focus my mind on what needs to be done first but scared sh*t of everything involved. I'm pressured to do my best, to prove naysayers wrong, not to disappoint the people who gave me this responsibility because they believe I can do it. I need to FOCUS.

+@#&!#@, kakayanin ko ba ito?! (Sonofab*tch, will I be able to I hack this?!)

*****

In other news, I join everyone else in welcoming baby Matthew Gabriel Lopez Quimpo to this big, big world we live in. Cheers to his parents, especially his mommy extraordinaire.

Access Granted

2005-11-07T09:33:00.000+08:00

I was checking e-mail a while ago when I chanced upon a message from The Ex. I know some of you will be infuriated to learn that we are still in touch. But c'mon, he was a friend before we embarked on that craziness that spanned a million miles and lasted for four years.

Anyway, he sent a short letter along with this Powerpoint slide file of good wishes and love. And it just spoke volumes that I found myself crying in my work area.

We had great times together despite the fact that it was never meant to be. And admittedly, I miss him, especially as my confidante and support. I wish he was here to see how good I've been doing careerwise these days; he would have reveled in pride.

But I had to move on. And he doesn't have a clue that I'm now with someone else. Sometimes I want to tell him, though I surmise it will create chaos if he finds out about it at this time. Nevertheless, he deserves to know that I'm happy, and he will when it's the right time to do so.

I just hope he's back on track. While some of you think he is perfectly fine, I feel otherwise. The concern may be uncalled for. Nevertheless, he remains a significant part of my life, and we will always have something to laugh about and reminisce on that made us who, how and why we are such today.

Twenty Random Things About Me

2005-11-04T11:54:00.000+08:00

Via, here's to tagging me for this.

Pardon me for being a bit odd, but well, we are unique as individuals right?

1. I constantly tune in to 923 Joey FM before I fall into deep slumber at the end of the day.

2. I need a weekly dose of chocolate.

3. I chew my food on both sides of my teeth in an equal number of times every single meal.

4. My meal isn't complete if it's not composed of a meat viand, a vegetable side dish and rice.

5. I eat the sides of a sandwich before I get to its center.

6. I still keep my NKOTB albums and refuse to part with them.

7. I can finish a 500-page book in three hours.

8. I look very much like my father but am more of my mother's alter ego.

9. I prefer older men because they are more mature, patient and understanding than guys my age.

10. I had wanted to study in the Ateneo since the fifth grade.

11. Despite being in my high school glee club, I (still) have extreme stage fright.

12. I have a soft spot for golden retrievers.

13. I had asthma as a child.

14. I started nailbiting when I was in kindergarten ... and I haven't really stopped.

15. I have had articles published in the Manila Bulletin.

16. I am somewhat insomniac.

17. Work takes up most of my times these days that I barely go out on gimmicks.

18. I am desperate to fully edit this blog's template.

19. I am sooo in love and happy right now!

20. As I write this, I have just finished a special committee meeting at work that went on for 7 hours!

I tag Candice, Russelle, Jay, Ganns and Jehan to answer this as well.

Am leaving the office. Another long weekend beckons ....

168

2005-11-02T09:32:00.000+08:00

The department store along Soler Street in Manila's Divisoria area, that is. Named after supposedly auspiciously lucky numbers for the Chinese, it is the current shopping mecca, outselling neighboring Tutuban Center and the traditional bangketas. With three floors (the top floor entirely devoted to palate-teasing delicacies; my friends and I weren't able to try them though), it's a breeze to shop in as air conditioning abounds. However, I don't recommend going there on weekends and holidays as throngs of people go there for massive shopping.

We arrived at 10:30 and roamed the place until noontime, after which we went to Tutuban Center for lunch at Chowking (there was a legitimate reason to devour their Sweet and Sour Pork Lauriat meal, hehe!). We were supposed to go home after that but ended up going around for more finds for another hour before reaching the parking lot for Valentine (Reynard and Apple's trusty Corolla).

Above is one of the bigger stalls at the second floor featuring assorted candles, scented or otherwise, big or small, plain or colored, whatever tickled your fancy and suits your needs. It was a big hit as people were trooping to cemeteries to visit their departed loved ones that weekend.

Next are things I bought from 168 and Tutuban that afternoon. Unfortunately, my mobile phone camera isn't thant trusty and the pics came out somewhat different in color than in real life due to poor indoor lighting when these were taken:

Orange blouse (originally priced at P250.00, got it for P200.00): liked the color (of course, my favorite) and its beaded detail. Straps are strung through a loop at the back and tied together to secure the blouse. It was really cute, but I made the mistake of not fitting it first before buying it. I can wear it, but it fits snugly around my upper body-- which isn't much of my thing. I'd have to lose some weight for it to fit more comfortably. I can wait for it to be more wearable ... but I'm also of giving this to Ate Kelly for Christmas.

Green blouse (P99.75): yes, there is a P99.75 Store in Tutuban Center. I liked the color and its pastel beading which matches my bracelet set. Yet I still made the mistake of not trying it on before purchasing it, so it really doesn't fit me (actually I noticed that available clothes' sizes in the area aren't quite my range; it practically shoves the hard reality to my face that I need to lose weight!). My mom's buying this from me to give it to someone. Drat. I liked this item a lot!

MFG wallet (originally at P120.00, got it for P100.00): it's red in color and nifty to carry. Needed to buy a new one as my old white money stasher is literally tattered. One thing I consistently do with new wallets: put a crisp bill in it that is not meant to be spent even in desperate times for good luck. Feeling good about it, I folded a P100 bill into its coin compartment (which I won't use as it deforms the wallet) in hopes that I won't run out of cash when called for.

Puma sports shoes (P300.00): got these also in Tutuban as The Boss advised me that open-toed sandals and the like won't be allowed during our RP Team Secretariat duty (as we are hosting an international event, we have to look more, er, decent with a sense of formality; thus the closed shoes rule). I don't relish wearing my Asics and Nike cross trainers the entire time, much less my closed toe slip-ons. This pair is comfy, cute and cool to the eyes. Heehee. Can't wait to wear it.

Beaded thong sandals (P300.00; P350.00 in Tiendesitas): the straps are actually gray in color though it deceives you as beige at first glance. I fell in love with these as I can wear these with my plain blouses (beadings match my tops' colors). They are also comfy and durable. Mama says though that the soles of this make fade fast, so I can't really wear them out on a regular basis like my usual treatment to other new pairs.

Rubber Havaianas-like slippers (P150.00 each; P200.00 in Tiendesitas): my eyes lit up when I saw a big stall selling these, so I got the chance and bought two pairs in white and mocha. I already have black Havas and I use them only when necessary (that pair's pretty expensive, so you know what I mean). I've to use the white pair; maybe when the rains stop so they won't get too dirty. The mocha pair's for the house. Last night at Tiendesitas, I bought a red pair with embellishments on its straps for P220.00. Wearing it this Friday (I hope!).

These meanwhile are Christmas gifts for some officemates (I won't say what these are nor how much they cost). They're really cute. Yes, I started Christmas shopping already, but I'm definitely not through with it yet. I also bought two DVDs for him to watch and listen to during his free time.

168's a pretty good place to shop for the budget-conscious. Just go there early to secure parking and avoid the crowds that come in by 11:00 am. Watch over your bag and valuables as you never know what may hit or strike you (read: pickpockets, mashers, bag slashers). Contrary to what others say, shop there in your most comfortable attire; porma is definitely optional. And yes, bring lots of cash to produce lots of purchases!

I just wish it was nearer and easier to commute to from home.

PS. Happy birthday Mama! I may be not as affectionate and physically present as I should be, but never forget that you're the number one woman in my life. I love you!

Awfully Quiet

2005-10-31T14:31:00.000+08:00

It's been a long weekend. Occasionally toeing the line of boredom ... spending a great deal of this time pigging out and churning out too much Zzzzzzz's ...

After a hectic 168 shopping spree (photo post on it coming soon) yesterday, I felt that all my energy was zapped away. Went home with three shopping bags full of new stuff and Christmas gifts for some people and P1,600++ poorer, but nevertheless thrilled to learn that I can still shop (gotta work on price haggling though).

Things between me and him are also much better now. Not that it's totally all roses and hassle-free, but it's better. And I'm learning to settle myself (and my temper) down. In fact, we'll be seeing each other in two hours to watch him jam with his friends. He plays rock 'n roll, but listening to his music somehow soothes and calms me. Oh gawd though, I'm turning into a gr ... I won't mention it. But what the heck; I'm happy just to dance along!

And I should revel in the idleness this weekend has allowed me to do, because by next week, I'll be back to my stressed-harassed-bitchy-tactless-bossy work mode for the biggest project I'm getting involved in ever. Unfortunately, I won't get to watch my high school glee club in concert nor attend the annual college homecoming bash because of that. Sulk, sulk, sulk ...

Okay, fine. I shall stop whining ... for now.

Compromises

2005-10-25T10:22:00.000+08:00

I usually abhor posting entries for consecutive days. But I was compelled to do so today because of a concern that I ought to address in any possible way I can. Venting here would be a start to help me clear my thoughts.

It's extremely difficult to be involved with someone who has a different mindset and view on life in the general sense of the word. I realized this Sunday night when I was running late at almost 10 pm from a get-together with dorm friends (see previous entry).

I knew he was upset about my getting home at an hour when I was supposed to be asleep in preparation for an early Monday morning at work. Coaxing him didn't work (very unusual).

Yesterday, we decided to discuss the issue in chapters (read: work-related interruptions). After dinner, we talked over the phone. He stated that his concern over my, er, habits stems from his wanting me to be more disciplined, especially now that I am not getting any younger and about to assume more vital responsibilities. It's all about self-control, balancing things and going for what I want through a process. According to him, he finds it difficult to express his concern in fear of my possible negative reaction towards such; thus his option to just keep quiet and let me do my thing-- which, in introspect, wouldn't be a good indication coming from him.

Most of you who read this may think that he is a nutcase, too OC or a control freak. It's just that he grew up that way, ran a major business that way, thinks that way. He plans ahead and is very logical, someone you would wish to call a tactician. And I understand where he's coming from. Of course I have to: I'm his girlfriend, for chrissake!

But at the same time, I realize that I still can't assert myself during such discussions with him. It's frustrating that there are a few instances where I just prefer to go with the flow. For now, it seems okay to keep the peace. The future with this scenario however is not worth looking forward to.

Obviously, our, uh, "honeymoon" is over. It's time to deal with the more crucial aspects of our relationship. He's been through this many times, though what he has with me will be definitive as it will (most likely) be THE last he will commit himself to. As for me, it's "new" as I'm only getting to experience how it is to be in this kind of set-up (yes folks, the "past" doesn't exactly count as such. I know, it's not good to compare. But wait, I digress again ...).

Despite the complications around us, I want this relationship to work. I want to be with this man and spend a great chunk of my existence with him. I actually see a future with him and I don't want to mess this up.

We'll have to compromise with each other for our relationship to pull through. Love after all is a two-way street.

But for now, I'm discerning on my own.

Somekindaweekend

2005-10-24T09:05:00.000+08:00

Saturday @ 2:00 pm: before Carlyn and I trooped to Powerbooks' stockroom along my street, she gave me a pack of these cookies from her recent European odyssey. If I remember correctly, mail about these cookies circulated and earned Filipinos' ires. Well yeah, reading the label got me quite iffy about the rationale behind the product's packaging. But once I bit into a cookie, I realized that it's just food. I pity whoever manages this brand back in Spain.

Bought five books for a frigging P1800++ at 20% off (if they had a higher discount rate, I would've bought more!). Got a personal copy of The Art of War and returning the copy I borrowed from someone. Meg Cabot's Every Boy's Got One is an entertaining read, more "mature" than The Princess Diaries series (yes, six tomes it is!). I liked The Wedding of Cathy and Irving best; nailed a typical bride's follies into the biggest event of her life. Ever since Candice first gave me a Cathy collection comic book back in college, I've been hooked.

In the evening, went on my usual "new Saturday night habit" with "The Other Side" as they are grouped in my cellphone directory. Still struggling, walking on some broken glass in this aspect. This is one thing that warrants me to exercise more patience on. Nevertheless, was happy to spend a quiet evening with him.

Sunday @ 4:30 pm: after lunch with Apple and Reynard, and Chachi at North Park Glorietta, Gail (another dorm sis) suddenly called to drag us to the PBA games at Araneta Coliseum. I'm so not used to buying tickets for this (when I was still posted at Philsports, I'd watch this for free. But they moved the games to Araneta.).

The girls took this pic of me and Steph, this kid who kept going to our seats to sit and talk with us, and get candy from the control panel staff in front of us. They remarked that my future daughter would look like her. Well ... it depends on who I will (eventually?) marry, and if I will ever become someone's Mrs. in the future. Then again, I'd want her to really look like me.

As I ended up arriving home at 10 pm, he was upset about my coming in late because the next day starts another workweek (but my parents weren't, and I still live with them. What gives?!). Until this very minute, I'm not speaking to him.

Tagged Again

2005-10-19T08:23:00.000+08:00

Another survey, I know. Pam, you owe me big time.

10 YEARS AGO I WAS ... a college sophomore struggling with Math 11, herding freshmen through their AdMU orientation and taking up Spanish classes
5 YEARS AGO I WAS ... a newbie in my current office, slimmer, never even been kissed
YESTERDAY MORNING ... I had a really bad tummyache
5 SNACKS I LIKE ... chewy choco chip cookies, plain M&Ms, Chippy in classic BBQ flavor, Pringles Cheez Zums or Original, Oishi plain salted potato chips
5 THINGS I WOULD DO WITH P100M ... set up bank accounts in Manila, Hong Kong and Switzerland; use earned interest from these to buy my own place (a four-BD townhouse will do), an SUV, all the CDs I want and a nifty home entertainment system. Oh, and travel around the world in three months too!
5 THINGS I WOULD NEVER WEAR ... shoulder pads, neon-colored clothes, midriff-baring tops (because I have a very big tummy!), tight-fitting clothes, anything with La Salle on it (hehehe! Peace!)
5 FAVORITE FORMS OF ENTERTAINMENT ... gourmet food shows, SATC on DVD, Desperate Housewives, dancing to music in my room, watching Pryor Yrs jam or perform live (siyempre, kasali boss ko dun eh!)
5 BAD HABITS ... cigs, devouring too much junk food, cussing, laziness and using PMS as a constant excuse to get away with being a bitch
5 BIGGEST JOYS ... Kirsten, Miguel, music, the gift of life, loving and being loved
5 FAVORITE TOYS ... Barbies, my cellphone, my mini-component, computers, (secret! Hehehe!)
5 FICTIONAL CHARACTERS I WOULD DATE ... Superman (Christopher Reeve), Daniel LaRusso (Karate Kid), Ashton Kutcher's character in his movie with Amanda Peet (I forgot the title), and I agree with Pam on the Y Tu Mama Tambien boys!
5 PERSONS I TAG TO DO THIS ... take the risk, peeps.

A Significant Change

2005-10-17T13:30:00.000+08:00

The past five weekends have been a drastic change from my usual routine. I've been spending a significant amount of time in another house, with another family, for another significant person. It's quite overwhelming for someone who has been used to spending Saturday nights out on a marathon gimmick over booze and cigs. But it's a change long overdue.

I still get to drink and smoke. This time though, it's Australian red wine or cranberry vodka tonic I sample. Sticks are considerably lessened. And there's a steady companion I do this with to remind me that these are to be done in moderation.

It's just now I learn about how it is to be really in a relationship. It's being pampered, having a taste of chivalry and treated just like how a girlfriend should be. I'm revelling in it right now; for I never really had this before. And now I know how it feels to deal with another family in this situation: not at all easy as pie, but not as difficult as passing through a needle's eye either. It may not be perfect (this I stress), and adjustments are called for ... but it's a start.

I surmise that some friends of mine are a bit dismayed at not having to see me as much as they used to. In fact, during the last few times I went out with some of them, I left much earlier than expected because he'd pick me up to make sure that I wouldn't take a cab on the way home and get some more sleep which I actually need.

A few may think that he's guarding me too much. Well, yes, that's partly true. But given the circumstances he's found himself in before, it's also understandable. And while I felt stiffled at first, I now look forward to every chance to be with him. It may seem crazy since we talk and see each other regularly, but I (and the rest of my circle in the future) have to accept that this is now a significant part of my life.

I know that I have to find time for my friends, and I seriously miss them. Now it's about finding the right compromise with him to do these. I have met his closest of kin and friends. In the coming months, it will be my turn to initiate him into my world, and I hope it works out well.

It's good to strike a balance among things. This admittedly is something I'm just learning to deal with.

50 Questions

2005-10-13T15:27:00.000+08:00

This is a survey posted by Pam in Friendster. I figure that not everyone in my network would appreciate seeing such stuff in their bulletin boards, so I decided to post my answers to surveys I choose to dabble on here.

1. Last thing you burned while attempting to cook? The food I was cooking. A bit.

2. Describe yourself in three words? Fair-skinned, chinita and chubby

3. How long does it take you to get ready for your day? Thirty to forty-five minutes

4. Favorite place to blow 50? Aji-Ichiban for chocolate rocks

5. How many people have you thought were "The One"? Two: past and present

6. What is something that turns you off from the opposite sex? Being sexist

7. What kind of car do you drive? I still don't know how to drive.

8. What's in your CD player right now? Diana Ross and the Supremes and 60s hits in one CD

9. What celebrity would you have coffee with? Oprah Winfrey (though I doubt she drinks coffee) or Madonna

10. What celebrity would you NOT have coffee with? Too many to mention

11. What kind of toothpaste do you use? Sensodyne Regular

12. What time do you go to bed? 11 pm Sundays to Thursdays, sky's the limit Fridays and Saturdays

13. Last movie you saw? Revenge of the Sith at the cinema

14. Last TV show you watched? Desperate Housewives last week

15. Who is your best friend? I have a really close friend from each significant time of my life.

16. Who in your family do you best get along with? Mama, Ate Kelly

17. Who do you have a crush on? Ashton Kutcher

18. What time is it right now? 3:53 pm

19. Are you planning a vacation/travel? Hopefully to KL or Bangkok after Christmas

20. When/Where was the last time you traveled? To the office from home

21. How many times have you been in love? Significantly, twice

22. How old will you be in 10 years? 38

23. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Hopefully in a administrative supervisory position, married with a child

24. Sinful snacking weakness? C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E anything!

25. Roller Coasters? Yes!

26. Ever run out of gas? I don't drive my own car, remember?

27. Ever been on a train? Does the MRT/LRT count? If so, every workday!

28. Ever been on a blind date? Yes

29. Ever been to Europe? I want to go there!

30. What would you do if you could be the opposite sex for one day? Check out all the pretty women and size up dumb-assed guys' d**ks

31. Would you tell anyone it was really you? I invoke my right to privacy.

32. Ever been arrested? No

33. Have a crush on anyone you work with? Next question, please.

34. What is something you believe in? Karma

35. What is something you fear? Growing old alone, bankruptcy

36. Big or small? Depends on what is concerned, hehe!

37. What is the worst physical or emotional pain you have ever experienced? Physical: dysmenorrhea, emotional: saying goodbye

38. What is your favorite television show? Desperate Housewives

39. Ever photoshopped yourself to look better in a picture? Once

40. Tell us something about your childhood. I got honors in school without having to really study.

41. What would it cost for you to flash the person next to you? My dignity

42. Best time to catch you in a good mood? When I'm with him

43. If you could be anything for one day, what would it be? I want to be a queen.

44. Most prized possession? My life

45. Would you ever sell it/how much? To save a loved one, unconditionally.

46. What is one of your pet peeves? Acting like s/he's the only important person on earth

47. Favorite kind of ice cream? See answer to #24

48. Have you ever had sex? Uh ... watchatink?!

49. Ever wanted to die? No, not yet!

50. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go and why? Any great vacation place to get away from work-related stress and pressure!

On Being Professional

2005-10-06T15:09:00.000+08:00

So I'm now one of the newest career service professionals in the country.

It's a relief, because I know that I can remain in the national government workforce until I decide to retire ... as long as I work hard enough to earn more promotions in the coming years. This is an option I have until such time that I decide to return to the broadsheet grind. That is, if there will be opportunity for me to do so.

It's a fallacy, because it's common belief that you are indispensable once you become permanent. Wait until the Executive Branch-wide Rationalization Plan is implemented. Then again, I'm younger and a bit more qualified than many other people, so I guess I'll stay around after this.

It's a curse, because of the common misconception people outside the government workforce have about us. Hey, there are still good workers and intelligent people with integrity in our profession. We can prove them wrong, can't we?

It's a challenge, because of the political and economic instability our country's currently in. Sometimes it can be quite a bitch for people to generalize the government as inutile, corrupt and without a sense of direction. But I've to hold my head up high, stand tall and be proud to serve the country.

It's a privilege, because not many people have the opportunity to be employed by and progress in the National Government.

It's a lifetime to look forward and prepare myself for, because I've accepted that this is my life for now.

Shopping Sunday

2005-10-03T08:52:00.000+08:00

I was on double duty yesterday.

Early in the morning (on a Sunday, take note!), I went to a car show and shopped for houseware with him. Weird having to do the scrutinizing of things Mama usually buys for the house. Stranger doing so with someone outside my family.

But it was quite a learning experience, particularly on discovering his shopping habits: typically male by not wanting to linger in the mall for more than two hours and buying all his specific needs for that moment in a much shorter span of time. Now I understand why most men hate shopping with the women of their lives.

Which now brings me to lunch and the 2005 Assumption Bazaar with Mama afterwards. There were a lot of pretty things, food and trinkets on sale. It was there that I suddenly remembered why I abhor shopping in the first place:

1. I hate walking around to scrummage for great finds.

2. It is stressful on my footsies to walk around.

3. It bores a hole on my budget.

4. I do not really appreciate being meddled with when it comes to choosing what I want to buy.

5. When I get what I want, I can go home. I refuse to stay longer beyond my will.

Not to say that I did not like being with Mama and Kirsten. In fact, I was happy to do so-- the last time I went out with them was almost (or more than?) a year ago.

I just want to avoid shopping for the meantime. But will have to do so for Christmas (now that will be more stressful, I reckon!).

Note: Wanted to post pics I took from the bazaar, but am having difficulty uploading it to my computer. Will do so when the fates allow it.

*****

Just a few minutes ago, I was asked to sign my appointment papers for submission to the Civil Service Commission (yes, I am now a permanent civil servant.). Getting a copy once certified by the CSC. It is still a shock, yet I am relieved.

Do not think that I can rest easy now. On the contrary, this pushes me to work harder. Next goal: senior rank. I give myself two to three years.

The not-so-good part of it all is that I will have to transfer departments by next year. Not happening yet, but already feeling sad. =,(

*****

Postscript: Sorry, but I had to change my mobile number again yesterday. Some inanimate being is trying to wage a psy-war with me through SMS, and I refuse to give him the light of day. Might as well be at peace and keep the a**hole's fingers in a frenzy until he realizes that he has texted an unexisting number. Hope he shrivels up and disappears from this earth soon.

Icing on my Cake

2005-09-28T13:10:00.000+08:00

Apologies to the venerable Paolo Coelho, but I just have to post this for everyone. It is an essay on letting go of the past and moving on to the future. Come to think of it, we all experience this at certain points of our lives. However or whatever triggers such in our individual spheres of existence, it is a universal truth.

Personally though, I have yet to learn this in its every sense.

*****

CLOSING CYCLES

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters. Whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.

What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return; do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

I Feel Pretty ... Yeah, Right!

2005-09-26T13:49:00.000+08:00

After more than a year of silence on some idle-minded people's part, I am again a subject of unwarranted yet potentially sensational talk at the workplace.

I won't go into details on the latest chika surrounding me among others, but it's unnerving and hilarious at the same time. It however just proves some facts:

1. The very people behind this latest verbal tirade are the very same inanimate microorganisms who tried to tarnish my reputation a few years back.

2. The subject of the latest rumor is again concerning my personal life, not based on my work output and merit.

3. The rationale behind this talk once more mirrors of jealousy - professional and otherwise.

I always have to get the same flak from these objects (I'd rather not refer to them as people, persons, beings or humans, because they don't ask, think and feel like such). Figured that they still have an ax to grind against me, but this time they have to include someone else in the equation to make the talk more potent. Or (most likely) they can't find anything better to do but to rumormonger among themselves, in turn clueing in more gullible people on such an unfounded topic.

No wonder they can't progress and are continually looked upon as useless and weighty liabilites around this agency. How pathetic.

As for me, I continue to work, be noticed and commended. It's not my fault that I can deliver, you know.

Ang ganda ko talaga, mga pipol.

Suddenly Unwanted

2005-09-22T16:52:00.000+08:00

I had my second deliberation for the permanent item at my agency a few hours ago. The panel didn't give me much of a hard time. In fact, the deliberation turned into a discussion on our Change Management Team in which I am part of its Secretariat. Only one important question was asked: am I willing to transfer offices and leave my current group?

You may read in a previous entry of my sense of pride in being with my current department, the best I've been in since I first entered the agency. I am at ease with my fellow staff, Joey is a great boss and I love my work here. But should I be promoted this time, I would have to report to my new mother unit where the item will be based.

Suddenly it's a great cause of concern for me because I know Joey needs me in the office. Operations would be crippled if I transfer. And I also know that it would be difficult for anyone else to assume my current duties here. Joey has given so much trust and confidence in me that nobody else in the department probably even dares to take my place when I'm not around.

I lied through my teeth when I answered the panel that I was willing to transfer. I know Joey wants me to secure the permanent item so that I can be settled. I thank him for believing that I am very much qualified for the position. But at the same time, I am worried about transferring offices. My current department has so much responsibilities for the agency at this point. I have major functions which will prove difficult to assume by another person should I go to the division where my (soon-to-be?) item is based.

I know, I have to secure my future ... set my career on a better track. But I am also sad. If I had a choice, I would stay where I am now.

How Others View The Present

2005-09-19T10:47:00.000+08:00

The past six weeks or so have resulted in significant changes not only in my daily course of life, but in particular for other people who share a common bond and a significant loss that continues to haunt them.

I know things have proceeded too fast for comfort, not only for them, but for me as well. While the feeling is great and has made me happier than ever, I am also aware that it causes apprehension-- maybe even disapproval at this point.

I had specifically asked that a significant period of time be taken into consideration for them not to be shocked. But it was deemed a given that they accept what has been happening. It is something I have always felt strongly about. I know how it is to be in their place. Not that I have experienced a major loss of that magnitude. But being a daughter myself, I would react adversely on the situation we now all find ourselves in.

Another thing I wish to reiterate and want to personally address to them: I never meant to assume someone else's role in their lives. I don't intend to and I never will. I know my place in the situation, and I intend to keep it that way. I don't intend to further devastate them. I can't do that.

Maybe I am partly to blame. Or maybe not. But I hope that they find it within themselves to reach a compromise and help me cope with it better. In due time, if things turn out for the better, then we will all sit down, talk and agree.

I just want everyone to co-exist in harmony ... at least in civility.