Ten Things for 2006

In three days, we're waking up to the Year of the Red Dog (Chinese Zodiac). I haven't really gotten the most out of the Christmas holidays and here goes another 365 1/4 days to reckon with.

It's common for most of us to make New Year's resoultions in hopes of becoming better people. I used to have this written list every year, but I stopped doing so when I realized that I kept breaking them.

But this year, I've made a list of Ten Things to Do for 2006. It's in the same rationale of making resolutions. Aside from obviously not using the term, these are what I really have to do to keep my sanity and make life a tad easier to handle.

1. I will lessen blogging about work. The negative stuff about it, to be precise. But if something good happens in the office and it's worth sharing with you, then I shall put it here.

2. I will be more conscious with my finances and really start saving up. I've been a delinquent savings account holder. Better resurrect from dormancy. I wonder if having more money than usual at the end of this year is a good sign.

3. I will be more diligent in paying bills on time so that I avoid inconveniencing myself and other people.

4. I will try to quit smoking. If unsuccessful, lessening my nicotine intake drastically will do.

5. I will lose weight this year. And I need to fit back into my old favorite clothes.

6. I will be a better friend and make extra effort to see you all when occasions arise.

7. I will be a better employee and more consencious of time, resources and taxpayers' money that pay public servants like me.

8. I will be a better daughter and more considerate and visible to my parents.

9. Since I've returned to churchgoing (well, it's a start), I will focus more on being a good, diligent Catholic.

10. One aspect I should work on: I will work on being a more mature, understanding, considerate, unselfish, affectionate and loving girlfriend. Enough said.

Advanced Happy New Year, peeps. Another year of blogging beckons. Thanks for keeping in blog.

The Christmas I Didn't Want It To Be

Before I start with the yakking, belated Merry Christmas. Hope your holidays were far off better than mine.

The past weekend was a rude awakening for me. Not in terms of material gifts, commercialism or finances (in this aspect, it was a good Yuletide for me). In fact, last minute shopping was a breeze except for the long wait to have my nephew Miguel's gift wrapped at Rustan's Shangri-la Plaza.

This was the Christmas I realized how selfish and cruel I could be towards the people I love.

If you (bother to) look back at my December 16 post, I mentioned that Luv and I have been managing rough seas. I hadn't discussed it with him for fear of a major argument and thought to let it pass until things between us were better.

Christmas morning started off on a wrong note. Over the phone, I made this comment (out of concern) on his medication which turned out to be a broken record on his part as many others have previously told him that. I thought he had raised his voice at me again (he said he didn't), so I cut our talk short and started crying. Sent him a long SMS message on how bad I felt, considering that it was Christmas Day, particularly our first as a couple. Suffice it to say that our following conversations that day were bordering more on civility.

There was this tapas and wine dinner to attend that night. Of course, we were to go together. Prior to being picked up from home, I texted him to request that he be "gentler" with me for the rest of the evening as I didn't want further arguments. We were practically not speaking to each other in the car enroute to our dinner.

When we got to the dinner at 7 pm, Luv and the dinner hostess (a very good friend of his) started talking and catching up on each other. I preferred to listen, smiling and nodding when being spoken to. I had also started on some really good California red wine which was stronger than the other varieties I usually take.

The third guest (a common friend of ours) arrived more than an hour later. According to Luv, my demeanor suddenly changed that instant. Must have been the wine, but I was suddenly talkative, more opinionated than usual. And yes, I was still speaking to everyone but him.

Near midnight, some callos, melba toast with gourmet cheese spreads (yummy!) and a bottle of red wine (yes, Luv estimated that the rest of us there had a bottle each. Apparently he was checking on my intake?) later, I was undeniably drunk. Love was already the topic of dissertation by then. The dinner hostess was musing on her new widowhood, while our common friend was insisting that his homosexuality leaves him with no choice but to give his all despite knowing that he has a greater chance of growing old alone.

As for me, I stressed my current sentiments regarding my relationship with Luv. While the others may have presumed that I was expressing a general view (then again, they are quick-witted people and must have gotten the hint), Luv knew I was referring to him. And what I said most probably struck him with a bolt (I'm translating it into sanitized English here as I get very fluent ... and vulgar ... in Tagalog when under the influence of alcoholic spirits):

"I used to think that love was free-flowing and unselfish. But I got hurt the first time. Now I want to save a part of myself while loving someone else. It hurts to think that sometimes I don't get the assurance I need to keep on going. It's discouraging to stay on when the things you do for that person seem unappreciated and that he gives credence to others while I am around. I try to understand and keep up but my efforts seem to fall short. There are instances I'd rather enter a convent and stay single for the rest of my life."

A moment of silence within the group followed. Then our common friend started disagreeing with my statement (maybe he does know about my relationship with Luv, though it's still hush-hush), stressing that I was being selfish, while the dinner hostess started giving a piece of her mind on it. As for Luv, he just sat there listening while sipping his Coke Light (he was the only sober person then).

On the way home, Luv asked how I was feeling. Of course I was obviously drunk.

Luv: Sleep through it so you'll feel better. Take something liquid or cold when you get home.

Me: My mind's too flooded with various thoughts to be able to sleep through a hangover such as this.

Luv: I know, you said them all a while ago. I was there.

Further minute of silence. As we approached my place ...

Luv: I may not be vocal about it, but I love you.

I didn't respond, just nodded and handed him his new Beatles Let It Be ... Naked double CD (my Christmas gift for him) as he kissed me before I alighted from the car.

Yesterday he was unusually quiet. Last night's conversation nailed it. He asked me if I remembered what I was saying during the dinner, I said I did. He then asked if I remembered swearing at him, I replied that I wasn't doing so.

Luv: You did. And you said that you were giving up, letting go.

Me: I didn't mean that. I was just really upset over what's been happening the past weeks. It didn't help that we were constantly at odds. We have our own personal troubles to fix. But we're not helping each other overcome them. And at times I just feel inadequate, incapable, unappreciated as your partner.

Luv: I know where you're coming from. I understand. It's okay. All I'm asking is for you to have a wider understanding of things.

Me: Are you angry at me for saying all that?

Luv: No. It's just that you came to a very solid conclusion. When you're drunk, you tend to say what's really in your mind. And you were very firm when you said those things.

I suddenly felt worse that the scum that feeds on the pus of the fungus. What made it graver was that he wasn't angry, but being the very honest, accepting and understanding man he is.

Me: How can you put up with my being an insensitive, bratty, immature bitch?

Luv: I'm just here. I accept, I understand. Because I love you.

F**k, I must have added to his worst Christmas indeed.

But as a result of my drunken tirade, I learned that being in a relationship is indeed a two-way bumpy street. And it doesn't allow me to focus on myself alone. I do need to grow up after all.

Why is always that you tend to hurt the one you love the most without realizing so until it's too late?

My 2005 in Blog

Jay posted something similar in his blog. Come to think of it, it's better to do this early before the holiday-related mush sets in here. :)

Post two (2) sentences from each month of this year on blog and you have your year in review. Here's mine:

January:

Cursed work, cursed politics, cursed f***sh** indeed. It's running my life and taking away the little things I cherish on my own.

February:

Being in a room amidst chirping birds, trees and virtually no unnecessary noise for nine hours each day drove me crazy the first few days since I was so used to the hustle and bustle of Malate.

I am proud to be a Chorale girl, especially since it was my home within Assumption in high school.

March:

Sometimes I think karma lets its way into my life because of this (read: not getting everything I want and work hard for). But I then think, no, these things don't come my way because they aren't meant to be just yet.

April:

I am in fact a non-practicing and imperfect Catholic. But despite my doubts on the Catholic faith and how I deal with it, I hold tremendous respect for the Church and I value my unique relationship with God.

May:

I think I'd rather be the girl he loves with all honesty, pride and might than be the one he just marries for the sake of being married. I don't need marriage per se to have a "happy ever after" with the man of my dreams.

June:

I know there's more in store for me at work. It's quite frightening, but I'm ready.

July:

I miss being one of the boys.

I also believe that death is never the end-- but a new beginning for everyone to live in the grace of love and happiness.

August:

This weekend, I made a crucial decision that will surely change the way my life will progress in the next few weeks at least ... maybe even in its entire span.

But I am eagerly looking forward to something poised to be steadier and possibly lasting.

September:

I never meant to assume someone else's role in their lives. I don't intend to and I never will.

October:

It's a lifetime to look forward and prepare myself for, because I've accepted that this is my life for now.

It's just now I learn about how it is to be really in a relationship.

November:

Nevertheless, he remains a significant part of my life, and we will always have something to laugh about and reminisce on that made us who, how and why we are such today.

Now I understand why my coupled friends look at it this way.

December:

I've got quite a work-related hangover that I want to break free from for the rest of this month. I may look forward to it, but it's still hard to believe that Christmas is just around the corner.

Or Is It Just Me?

Luv and I seem to be on different plateaus these past few days. For some reason, irritation towards each other seems to set in easier than it should. I'm aware that he's been going through some personal pressure and that I ought to be understanding and patient about it. But I also feel that I've been the receiving end of all his stress; napagbubuntungan ng init ng ulo as they say in local lingo. It's not of the physical kind, don't worry. But I just get more of the tirades than others around him, even when they should be the ones receiving these.

It also seems that his needs have to come first before mine. While he does pamper and spoil me (especially when we were just "new"), he's been making a fuss that I don't take care of him as much as he wants to. It's crazy: I try to do something for him and he'd usually correct me for being slow or doing things differently than he's been accustomed to. And now he complains of this and my being "argumentative" when all I'm doing is to reason out as gently as possible, even when I've become extremely ticked off.

Because of this, I've been feeling a small amount of resentment towards him. We do talk everyday and see each other regularly, but instead of reassuring him that things will go smoothly and that it's just the holiday rush that's making him antsy, I'd rather just keep quiet and take it all in stride.

I realized that this wasn't the best solution on the way home last night. He mentioned that he had an upset stomach and wanted to go home early. He didn't want to take any medicine for relief. He was driving really fast, overtaking as many cars as possible. Unfortunately, traffic near my place was in a standstill and he was getting antsy.

Guess what he did? He dropped me off at the nearest point where I could take a trike to my place because he couldn't bear the traffic (oh, did I mention earlier that he hates being stuck in a road jam?). I repeat: he dropped me off at a corner where I could take a trike enroute to my house.

I had a so-so day at work (he knew this very well) and this was what I got last night. He didn't even apologize and had the nerve to tell me to take care on the way home. I just looked at him, went out of the car and slammed the door. I knew he wasn't feeling well. But hell, I wouldn't even do that to him if I were in his place that time.

I had a good 15-minute walk from Shaw Boulevard to the condo. I could've ridden a trike but decided not to, opting instead for a brisk walk that I haven't done in ages. Had two sticks of Mild Seven Lights along the way just to pacify myself from bursting due to the "negative" feelings I've kept to myself these past few weeks.

Do I have reason to be upset? Or am I just being the unfair bitch I'm known to be when provoked?

Homecoming

I caught my high school glee club's annual concert two nights ago on our campus, specifically at the newly-refurbished Mother Rose Auditorium (used to be Mother Rose Hall for us Old Girls). It was the first time the glee club staged a concert there; most years past had us at Equitable-PCI Bank's Francisco Santiago Hall). I was surprised to see how pretty and alive it looked from Denis Court at nighttime. I felt cheated that it wasn't like this when I was still studying there.

I was more surprised to see the hall's new interiors. Stage curtains are now blue (they used to be red). There are even new balcony side seats on the second floor (wasn't able to take a pic of these though). Everything was brand new, even the lighting. Well, maybe except for backstage which I saw later in the evening when the alumnae joined the current glee club batch onstage.

Speaking of the current glee club batch (some of who encountered me during the last concert almost a year ago), I commend them for working so hard to stage a good production despite lack of support (I know I shouldn't really write about this here, but I learned that the school administration made the group PAY for use of the concert venue. It's really frigging crazy: having a high school org settle rental dues when other groups got to stage shows there for free.).

The girls looked really cute, sounded cute, danced and acted cute ... just like how regular high school ladies should. Hehehe. Omigosh ... I was actually once like them. I can't imagine it now.
Most of my friends know that I don't have much good memories of high school except for carpooling with Via and Frannie as a pre-schooler, my set of friends then and of course, the glee club. The glee club in particular is one reason why I go back to my high school: it was everything for me.

As the girls' last song for the evening goes:

Ain't no mountain high enough

Ain't no valley low enough

Ain't no river wide enough to keep me from you ....

Visual Mementos Amidst a Hangover

These Gilas the SEAG mascot plated figurines were on sale at SM before the games began.
This was one dinner during the SEAG madness that I truly appreciated. After watching Arvin Ting win a gold medal for Wushu, Joey, Ginio and I went Japanese. There was just so much sushi. As usual, I had the ebi (shrimp) and shake (salmon) all to myself.
Billiards was one of two events I got to watch up close during the games. It was frigging freezing inside the Makati Coliseum. Nevertheless, eight RP golds in this sport wasn't bad at all.
The Muay finals at GSIS Gymnasium. Roland Claro won the gold for RP in this match against his Thai opponent. Two other golds came our way, one courtesy of singer Viktoria and her partner in the Women's Wai Kru event.
Muay is combat boxing while Wai Kru takes the form of a ceremonial dance depicting Thais' daily way of life. Our RP men's duo won a silver in this event, the two women's pairs meanwhile struck gold.
The overall 23rd SEAG overall championship and 113 gold medals later, Team Philippines is feted no less by Her Excellency (can you see her standing in this photo?). Now if only the government would raise our annual budget (don't bother asking how much or you will just double up in laughter).

*****

I've barely recovered from SEAG yet the ASEAN Para Games start in four days.

I still have pending work for SEAG yet here I go assuming protocol functions for the Para Games.

In case you're not familiar with it, the Para Games features sports events to be participated in by differently-abled (disabled in more common parlance) athletes from the same nations that join the SEAG biennally. And such competitions are also held after the Asian and Olympic Games.

Anyway, the Para Games will just be a week's worth of more manageable stress. There are still minor things to fix but I reckon that it will be smoother sailing this time around.

On 22 December, I am free to resume my social life. I can't wait to see my friends and I can finally shop for gifts for the family and Luv (hmmm, I wonder what he's got in store for us this Christmas).

I've got quite a work-related hangover that I want to break free from for the rest of this month. I may look forward to it, but it's still hard to believe that Christmas is just around the corner.

Settling Back to Normalcy

We triumphed and are now rejoicing. At the same time, it means closing another chapter in my so-called crazy career of sorts.

I feel high after some seafood, lechon paksiw and San Mig Light. I now feel so relaxed as I now understand what really entails the work that was assigned to me a few weeks back. It proves to be another lesson learned. I actually survived the pressure (thanks to a ream of Winston Lights spread throughout ten days, some tears out of frustration and good nights of sleep). I'm still alive and kicking!

I look forward to hitting bed earlier than the past days' time. Tomorrow I couldn't care a cahoot about coming in work a little bit late. Right now I need to get a grip on some normalcy, even if it's just for about a week.

The night is young ... and I'm geared up for it, Luv! ;-P

Winding Down

The SEAG is ending in two days. While there is still work to be done after the closing ceremonies, it wouldn't be as taxing as erstwhile preparations for the event. I'm just glad that it's ending.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and didn't like what I saw. Sure, I lost some weight; but acne, heavy eyelids and dark circles around my eyes aren't exactly flattering. Stress has definitely taken its toll on my well-being and my current physical disposition reflects it. I wanted to take a few days off the office beginning next Tuesday, but the financial aspect of the project will keep me cloistered within our admin. building to finish terminal reports, liquidate cash advances and settle delegates' billeting accounts.

I badly need acne surgery from my derma. I have to have a foot spa and pedicure. I want to sleep through one whole day and not think about papers and accounting. I wish that I could have enough rest before embarking on the next project which is 11 days away.

I want to settle all that needs to be fixed with this SEAG and wind down sooner than possible.

*****

On the other hand, there is reason for me to be happy and rewarded for the past three weeks' worth of work, papers, prepaid phone credits and tears. Click here to find out.

Cheers to all who supported the home team. Never mind some parliamentary accusations of a "rigged" games. We did our best without any extraordinary aid.